Nov 29, 2022 3:03:12 PM (Read by you after 4 hours, 48 minutes, 25 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Essencetribe website approved. I need to review build notes and get preliminary layout built. I’ll follow up in. A few days. Go USA 🇺🇸 on to the next round

Nov 29, 2022 7:51:50 PM Me

So excited they won

Nov 29, 2022 7:54:19 PM Me

If you outline what you want in a Google doc I can do layout in Divi very fast from the ground up. Just need to know what goes where. You can even draw on paper, and text me a photo of layout. That would be best. Then tell me where content is otherwise I’ll put placeholder in

Nov 30, 2022 9:13:53 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

trying to text you on your phone and the messages are turning green

Nov 30, 2022 9:14:22 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Using a data plan in France now - better $

Nov 30, 2022 9:14:27 AM Me

ah

Nov 30, 2022 9:14:42 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Nov 30, 2022 9:14:53 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Nov 30, 2022 9:14:59 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

nice

Nov 30, 2022 9:16:05 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Carcassonne

Nov 30, 2022 9:16:25 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Oldest and best preserved medical castle in Europe

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Nov 30, 2022 9:17:30 AM Me

Stressed out. I’m in another money crunch on bills right now. I’ve missed so many CC payments that my credit score is almost below 500. Part of the reason I cant get a loan to consolidate it all. The whole system is f’ed up. When I need a loan to get out of the hole, no one will give you one.

Nov 30, 2022 9:18:52 AM (Read by them after 4 seconds) Me

My life has been nothing but stress for 18 months now. When will it end?

Nov 30, 2022 9:19:02 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

rhetorical - dont expect an answer

Nov 30, 2022 9:19:12 AM (Read by you after 57 minutes, 41 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Nov 30, 2022 10:21:39 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

really like the look of that castle. How old is it?

Nov 30, 2022 10:21:43 AM Me

when was it built?

Nov 30, 2022 10:22:04 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

BTW, France just lost to Tunisia in last game of group stage in World Cup. I’m shocked honestly

Nov 30, 2022 10:27:20 AM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Wow

Nov 30, 2022 10:22:14 AM Me

Argentina and Messi play in an hour

Nov 30, 2022 10:26:21 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Doing a tour tomorrow- that was the wall of the city the castle inside

Nov 30, 2022 10:26:43 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Castle gate

Nov 30, 2022 10:27:20 AM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Wow
This message responded to an earlier message.

Nov 30, 2022 10:26:12 PM (Read by them after 2 hours, 14 minutes, 13 seconds) Me

I wonder if it’s possible for you to forward me $150 towards upcoming work today, Thursday. Venmo would work. Liz’s birthday is this Sunday, Dec 4th, and I’m broke again. First invoice is already in, and today I just started to dig my teeth into some serious work.

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Dec 01, 2022 9:14:12 AM Me

Cool. Just up over here and getting into work day.

Dec 01, 2022 9:18:13 AM Me

Let me know when u send. Need to run errand

Dec 01, 2022 9:18:55 AM (Read by you after 3 hours, 16 minutes, 49 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

It will be a few hours - when I get back to apartment

Dec 01, 2022 11:02:34 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 33 minutes, 10 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sent

Dec 01, 2022 11:04:12 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 31 minutes, 32 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I will have notes for the website to you tonight before I go to bed. Need to rush the build as best we can. It is straight forward. I want to give her first draft date by tomorrow mountain time.

Dec 01, 2022 12:36:23 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

ok, ping me on text once you send so I can take a look

Dec 01, 2022 12:36:47 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Who one today that was a big win

Dec 01, 2022 12:36:55 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

And THANKS! for the infusion. I got it

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Dec 01, 2022 12:37:05 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Red flag with green star

Dec 01, 2022 12:37:12 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Morocco

Dec 01, 2022 12:37:25 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Durien

Dec 01, 2022 12:37:46 PM Me

Belgium is going home, Morocco went thru

Dec 01, 2022 12:37:52 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 01, 2022 8:41:38 PM Me

Just emailed estimate back

Dec 02, 2022 7:26:46 AM (Read by you after 2 hours, 20 minutes, 36 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Let’s start things in motion. Add a coming soon page. Let’s talk this morning. Can we complete it in 7 days? Text me when you are awake.

Dec 02, 2022 11:47:44 AM Me

Hello

Dec 02, 2022 11:47:56 AM Me

Bon jour

Dec 02, 2022 12:31:16 PM (Read by them after 2 hours, 26 seconds) Me

Hola

Dec 02, 2022 12:31:32 PM (Read by them after 2 hours, 10 seconds) Me

watching Brazil v Cameroon

Dec 02, 2022 3:47:56 PM (Read by you after 8 minutes, 6 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I added a coming soon page to the website. I added the membership plugin. Due date for first draft is next Saturday.

Dec 02, 2022 3:50:06 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 56 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I will put together wireframe. Read over her docs in detail and email me any questions

Dec 02, 2022 3:56:11 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Ok, cool.

Dec 02, 2022 3:56:17 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Just read your note.

Dec 02, 2022 3:56:28 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Here for another 20 mins. Then off to soccer practice.

Dec 02, 2022 3:56:46 PM Me

I can do what you asked tonight. I actually read thru them last night so I knew what she was asking for

Dec 02, 2022 3:57:00 PM Me

I think I’m clear, don’t need a wireframe

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Dec 02, 2022 3:57:29 PM Me

I already created the baseline pages as I read her docs so I could make sure I was tracking things in estimating

Dec 02, 2022 3:57:42 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Just empty holders for the moment

Dec 02, 2022 3:58:01 PM Me

And her dude is coming in after to do the e-commerce, etc. Correct? Thats what I read

Dec 02, 2022 4:01:26 PM (Read by you after 10 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

That’s me 😀setting up membership plugin.

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Dec 02, 2022 3:59:09 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

User experience- if not a member - main page is a landing page (login option at top for members) Read through click one of several join buttons > membership levels and inclusions (annual and lifetime levels) - pick and pay > membership plugin (this is where all the payment, connection to Mailchimp ,etc. happens > member home page

Dec 02, 2022 3:59:56 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Members pages are the four - listen, watch, read, meditate

Dec 02, 2022 4:00:52 PM (Read by you after 44 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Color for design are the purple pallete of her main website. Kimberlybraun.com

Dec 02, 2022 4:01:26 PM (Read by you after 10 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

That’s me 😀setting up membership plugin.

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Dec 02, 2022 4:02:57 PM (Read by you after 59 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Let me know how far you get in tonight

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Dec 02, 2022 4:03:06 PM (Read by you after 50 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Have fun a soccer practice

Dec 02, 2022 4:03:40 PM (Read by you after 16 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’m going to bed - we are now just outside of Valence France

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Dec 02, 2022 4:04:43 PM (Read by you after 11 minutes, 22 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 02, 2022 4:15:14 PM (Read by you after 51 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Check out cheeseimporters.com - how do I get the urls to match instead of being the subdomain- been too long since I’ve done it

Dec 03, 2022 6:08:38 PM ⇲ Me

I don’t have the SiteGround login. I looked in email.

Dec 03, 2022 6:08:48 PM ⇲ Me

IF you can send that I might be able to fix

Dec 03, 2022 12:12:34 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 12 minutes, 40 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Bummer USA lost

Dec 03, 2022 6:08:38 PM ⇱ Me

I don’t have the SiteGround login. I looked in email.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 03, 2022 6:08:48 PM ⇱ Me

IF you can send that I might be able to fix
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 04, 2022 9:13:19 AM Me

My cell phone service for the whole family was just disconnected. 😬

Dec 04, 2022 9:13:39 AM Me

Past due bills 💸

Dec 04, 2022 9:15:57 AM (Read by you after 16 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

How much is owed? When do you get first check?

Dec 04, 2022 9:16:48 AM Me

$478, 378 monthly plus 100 restore fee, 20 per line

Dec 04, 2022 9:17:07 AM Me

My first check will be here this week

Dec 04, 2022 9:17:33 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

How many months is that? They cut service quickly

Dec 04, 2022 9:17:35 AM Me

Taking a bit longer because first time direct deposit setup

Dec 04, 2022 9:18:27 AM Me

Thats one month past due, plus another month due now. About to go into 3rd month

Dec 04, 2022 9:18:56 AM Me

I owe ~750 right now

Dec 04, 2022 9:19:09 AM Me

But paying past due gets it online

Dec 04, 2022 9:19:50 AM Me

There are a few financed phones in that monthly, not just cell service

Dec 04, 2022 9:20:42 AM Me

Also FYI, rainy here today. Working on essence tribe

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Dec 04, 2022 9:21:11 AM Me

Should make good push today. Will update you as I move thru it

Dec 04, 2022 9:21:16 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Do they have a hardship payment plan ? I know att does. Set up a 6 month payment plan

Dec 04, 2022 9:24:17 AM ⇲ Me

I checked that out and they will only let me restore with what’s past due

Dec 04, 2022 9:24:28 AM ⇲ Me

No other options. Makes no sense

Dec 04, 2022 9:22:20 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Do house bills get paid jointly?

Dec 04, 2022 9:22:33 AM Me

Yes

Dec 04, 2022 9:24:17 AM ⇱ Me

I checked that out and they will only let me restore with what’s past due
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 04, 2022 9:24:28 AM ⇱ Me

No other options. Makes no sense
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 04, 2022 9:31:09 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Let me see what I can swing? Can you send it back as soon as you get your check?

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Dec 04, 2022 9:32:09 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

If we can jam out essencetribe that will help

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Dec 04, 2022 1:23:35 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

I have both custom headers in place, and the custom footer. And I have the privacy policy page done.

Dec 04, 2022 1:23:36 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

https://divi.essencetribe.com/privacy-policy/

Dec 04, 2022 1:23:41 PM Me

On homepage now

Dec 04, 2022 1:49:59 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 10 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sweet - can you switch gears in about 30 mins to jump a call - Facebook,WhatsApp a few things with cheese I want to resolve

Dec 04, 2022 1:55:18 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Not sure

Dec 04, 2022 1:55:33 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

May be stepping away for a bit, don’t know

Dec 04, 2022 1:56:00 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Keep cranking - may take a bit to get girls to sleep

Dec 04, 2022 1:57:10 PM (Read by you after 9 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

So, just to clarify. You have no phone service right now? Do you have access to text or the internet from your phone

Dec 04, 2022 1:57:27 PM Me

im texting you through my computer

Dec 04, 2022 1:57:46 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Liz just left the house and is probably experiencing it right now

Dec 04, 2022 2:03:17 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I won’t lie.

Dec 04, 2022 2:04:09 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

The stress of all the shit in my life, the depression, the joblessness, the marriage falling apart has all taken an INCREDIBLE toll on my mind and body.

Dec 04, 2022 2:04:40 PM Me

I feel beaten ALOT and try to convince myself otherwise

Dec 04, 2022 2:04:57 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Today is Lizs birthday and I’m being reminded of it.

Dec 04, 2022 2:06:05 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Wished her a happy birthday and got a monotone, low volume ‘thanks’ and that’s about the extent of birthday celebrations with her. She’s off having a lunch/party with friends

Dec 04, 2022 2:06:33 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Anyhow. Taking a break for a few then back at the site.

Dec 04, 2022 2:08:09 PM Me

I was asked again about when I was getting paid, and adjusting to the idea of just being a paycheck around here until I bring it up whenever we get to a therapist

Dec 04, 2022 2:08:35 PM Me

More and more feels like “if” not “when”

Dec 04, 2022 3:41:52 PM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 21 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Make sense - it is “when”

Dec 04, 2022 3:42:17 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 56 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Phones funded

Dec 04, 2022 3:42:53 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 20 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Need 1/2 back asap 😀

Dec 04, 2022 3:43:57 PM (Read by you after 16 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Off to bed. Update me on Essencetribe as you get more completed

Dec 04, 2022 3:44:15 PM Me

K

Dec 04, 2022 3:44:29 PM Me

Just getting back from walking the dog

Dec 04, 2022 3:45:16 PM Me

Homepage is nearly done. The pages that you will need to do I will set up the divi holding page

Dec 04, 2022 3:45:33 PM Me

You should be able to navigate your way around, but every page will be empty

Dec 04, 2022 3:46:12 PM Me

I’ll send you a quick video recording of where things are at. A two maybe three minute video can explain a lot

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Dec 04, 2022 3:46:56 PM Me

I’m using the same builder, and the theme customizer built into WordPress to put all the baseline design in place. I will show you where all those settings are

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Dec 04, 2022 3:47:58 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Verify 📱 $

Dec 04, 2022 3:48:32 PM Me

Yes 500

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Dec 04, 2022 3:48:42 PM Me

🙌😁

Dec 04, 2022 3:49:51 PM Me

i’ll go online and get that paid ASAP. OK good night. I’ll send you the update I’ll go to bed. When I wake up tomorrow World Cup on Monday morning I imagine you will have a reply of some sort. My plan tomorrow is to work on Hatch all day. I have been given the greenlight to push on the personas

Dec 04, 2022 3:50:08 PM Me

I’ll be around

Dec 04, 2022 3:50:41 PM Me

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 and 🇫🇷 won today

Dec 04, 2022 3:51:05 PM Me

Viva La France 🇫🇷!

Dec 04, 2022 3:51:52 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Bon Nuit

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Dec 05, 2022 10:38:58 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Here is vid showing you folder system I have

Dec 05, 2022 10:39:00 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

https://www.awesomescreenshot.com/video/13037071?key=97b54de52213f091a13358f779ace4de
Pages ‹ EssenceTribe — WordPress

Dec 05, 2022 10:39:03 AM Me

Sent by email too

Dec 07, 2022 1:25:12 PM (Read by you after 8 hours, 20 minutes, 35 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Bon Jour

Dec 07, 2022 1:25:24 PM (Read by you after 8 hours, 20 minutes, 23 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Did you see email yesterday?

Dec 07, 2022 9:45:49 PM Me

Yes

Dec 07, 2022 9:45:57 PM Me

Working on it in a moment

Dec 07, 2022 10:52:21 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I did a bit but need to crash. I’m falling asleep in front of the screen. I’ll be up early with coffee and crank on it before my meetings

Dec 08, 2022 8:56:04 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Hi, I have the “Listen” page layout complete. Its complicated, you will see. Little Nuggets is all set, but I have no content for the “stories” above, the Audio and Commentary with the placeholder images. Need that content. About to jump into a string of meetings and will be out in about 3 hours.

Dec 08, 2022 8:56:26 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I’ll jump back in to content production and push out as many pages as possible if not the whole thing.

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Dec 08, 2022 8:56:32 AM Me

Let me know if you have any questions

Dec 09, 2022 12:49:30 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Heads up. Share - done Watch - Done Meditations - Done LIsten - Done (Except don’t have content for top items) Read, almost done. Have to flow a few articles. Let me know….

Dec 09, 2022 9:27:00 AM (Read by them after 57 minutes, 35 seconds) Me

I’m up. Watching Brazil v Croatia, still 0-0

Dec 09, 2022 9:27:06 AM (Read by them after 57 minutes, 29 seconds) Me

Win or go home

Dec 09, 2022 1:12:56 PM (Read by you after 54 minutes, 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Just got to last place in transit before we get to our new apt. tomorrow

Dec 09, 2022 1:23:59 PM (Read by you after 43 minutes, 27 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Wow Brazil lost

Dec 09, 2022 2:07:29 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Yep

Dec 09, 2022 2:52:18 PM (Read by you after 4 minutes, 19 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sent you an email about Essencetribe- missing the members home page.

Dec 09, 2022 6:53:25 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I have all pages done

Dec 09, 2022 6:53:38 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

All layouts are in place

Dec 09, 2022 6:54:06 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Links need to be checked of course, but I brought over and put in place everything that was asked.

Dec 09, 2022 6:55:19 PM Me

I’m at 18.78 hours

Dec 09, 2022 6:55:32 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Almost nailed the estimate. Sure there will be some tweaks.

Dec 09, 2022 6:55:55 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Stepping away for a few hours. Email me updates and ping me on text to let me know.

Dec 09, 2022 6:56:02 PM Me

Have my head down on Hatch work.

Dec 10, 2022 5:12:37 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 51 minutes, 3 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

For some reason the members home page was showing a holding page and not the complete one. Sending it to Kimberly today

Dec 10, 2022 10:03:48 AM Me

Cool

Dec 10, 2022 10:04:17 AM Me

Like I said the layout is complete, but there are some missing pieces of content based on the layouts given, audio files and blog posts

Dec 10, 2022 10:04:49 AM Me

I just watch morocco beat Portugal to make it to the semi finals of the world cup. The first African nation ever to reach the semifinals. So a bit of history happening in world soccer

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Dec 10, 2022 10:05:21 AM Me

It was an incredible game. And France versus England in two hours, I imagine the entire country there will go quiet during that game

Dec 10, 2022 11:58:58 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’ll turning on the game now

Dec 10, 2022 12:00:15 PM Me

There should be one hell of a game

Dec 10, 2022 12:52:52 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

1-0 France 🇫🇷

Dec 10, 2022 12:53:57 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good game. Look like England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 had some opportunities but did not take a shot

Dec 10, 2022 12:56:49 PM Me

Yeah

Dec 10, 2022 12:56:53 PM Me

Tight game

Dec 10, 2022 12:56:58 PM Me

High quality

Dec 10, 2022 2:13:10 PM (Read by you after 50 minutes, 47 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good game - England had chances

Dec 10, 2022 2:13:48 PM (Read by you after 50 minutes, 9 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I almost went out to a local bar/restaurant for the last five minutes

Dec 10, 2022 3:04:29 PM ⇲ Me

You should go! Big party

Dec 10, 2022 2:29:23 PM (Read by you after 34 minutes, 34 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 10, 2022 2:29:30 PM (Read by you after 34 minutes, 27 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Tv1 France

Dec 10, 2022 2:29:31 PM (Read by you after 34 minutes, 26 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

It was hard to watch Kane miss that second penalty shot. Thought it was going to be tied for sure

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Dec 10, 2022 3:04:29 PM ⇱ Me

You should go! Big party
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 11, 2022 11:52:45 AM Me

Weird day. Wondering why I’m here. Like still alive. I look forward and see nothing but loneliness and emptiness. Yeah there is working and sleeping and eating and shitting. And that’s about it. Not feeling like I want to keep at this. Feel really empty inside. Each day feels the same and that’s been the case for years now. I’ve been distracting myself with finding work, working, and getting thru each day. Depression compounds as I have total clarity of what’s happening, yet no matter the angle to release and let go of patterns, ways of thinking, and perspective, it’s still there. I’ve not felt content, happy, joy, or simple peace of mind for so long it feels illusory, like a mirage, an unattainable destination. The cruelty of this is waking up and knowing today will be the same as yesterday or worse. Never a good or happy day in sight. One can see, I hope, why I’ve lost faith in life. Check please!

Dec 11, 2022 12:06:38 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 1 minute, 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Dec 11, 2022 1:03:07 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

More to come

Dec 11, 2022 2:25:41 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 5 minutes, 21 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Almost bought the 48 pack - ready to be warmed up. Garlic and parsley butter. Yummy

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Dec 11, 2022 2:32:08 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 58 minutes, 54 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Are you feeling better?

Dec 11, 2022 4:40:49 PM Me

You must be in bed. It’s late there. Not better, distracted by the garden 🪴 and work. I went out in public after I had written that. Seeing people with holiday spirit was a reminder of my contrasting spirit within. My inner Bah humbug was triggered. At least I don’t feel angry on top of that during holidays like I’ve felt past 3 or 4 years. What I’m getting at is the holidays aren’t a joyous time for me. Instead a reminder of happier times and the contrast to now. I know it’s stories and I’m generating feelings from them and essentially triggering myself. No how hard I’ve tried to turn that off, I can’t because I’m human and not a robot. I’ve always buried my feelings to keep things peaceful and I just don’t have the juice to keep this up. Whew. That was a text stream of consciousness

Dec 11, 2022 4:43:16 PM Me

We don’t have any decorations up nor do we have a tree, and I really don’t have the impetus desire or holiday spirit to get me up and go out and get a tree and do all the trimming shit. I think everyone here basically wants to wait until about a week before, so I will just go with the flow

Dec 11, 2022 9:28:48 PM Me

Persona non grata today, Sunday. There is not time, nor a care about inquiring. Never has been really. I feel forgotten. And have felt that way for almost a decade.

Dec 12, 2022 2:34:27 PM (Read by you after 4 hours, 13 minutes, 38 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Bonjour. Picture of the day

Dec 12, 2022 2:35:17 PM (Read by you after 4 hours, 12 minutes, 48 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Dec 12, 2022 6:50:05 PM Me

A quite depressing day. Met with doc and upping depression meds. Felt depressed at practice, and came home to find that everyone is off to dinner at a restaurant sans me. Liz the boys and Sallie. I got left with the dogs

Dec 12, 2022 7:31:42 PM Me

Great tune.

Dec 12, 2022 7:31:44 PM Me

Spotify
Water of Love
Dire Straits · Song · 1978

Dec 13, 2022 12:58:51 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 11 minutes, 58 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Dec 13, 2022 1:53:26 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 17 minutes, 23 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Did you see email with edits

Dec 13, 2022 3:11:19 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

No, I will look for it when I get back from the game. Headed to coach.

Dec 13, 2022 11:26:58 PM Me

Hey I looked. No email

Dec 13, 2022 11:27:18 PM Me

Did a search for you and last was Dec 9

Dec 14, 2022 9:32:39 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 47 minutes, 37 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Email went to draft folder on my computer- resent earlier

Dec 14, 2022 9:55:14 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 25 minutes, 2 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Reactions:

Liked by Me
A little frozen rain today. The girls had a blast

Dec 15, 2022 12:18:21 PM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 32 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Landing page/home page edits sent

Dec 15, 2022 12:18:32 PM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 21 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Rest to follow soon today

Dec 15, 2022 12:19:04 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 49 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Once you see them. Let me know when you can complete them.

Dec 16, 2022 1:04:22 AM (Read by you after 10 hours, 9 minutes, 23 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

All sent with backups

Dec 16, 2022 11:14:09 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Ok, I can see your emails. Getting online late here, its 10am PST right now

Reactions:

Liked by darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 16, 2022 11:15:08 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Doing some Hatch work ( making user personas ) and later today will get all of this done and dialed in.

Dec 16, 2022 11:16:08 AM Me

let me know if you have any questions.

Dec 16, 2022 5:14:22 PM Me

Just as I was about to start working on the edits the power went out here. It’s been out for about 45 minutes and according to my sources it should be on in about 15 minutes. Here’s hoping so I can get that done. I will let you know what happens

Dec 16, 2022 5:16:42 PM Me

Also FYI, my nurse has decided to up one of my depression medication‘s based on our discussions over the past two or three months. Try as I might I still am getting sucked down. And I’m not sure if you’ve heard the news, but Ellen degeneracy is DJ, twitch took his own life yesterday in Los Angeles. It’s funny because I know exactly where he was inside his head. The amount of compassion and empathy I have for him is ridiculous, and I don’t even know him. He’s just another dude doing his thing I got sucked into the dark side

Dec 16, 2022 5:16:57 PM Me

I feel so sorry for his wife and the three kids he left behind

Dec 16, 2022 5:17:37 PM Me

I don’t know how he chose what he did versus choosing his family. All I know is that’s what I chose, it’s something I know I will fight for.

Dec 16, 2022 5:18:33 PM Me

I’ve basically decided for the time being to hang out and make sure my kids are OK and that they get off into their lives each on their own terms in at their own speed

Reactions:

Loved by darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 16, 2022 5:18:52 PM Me

I’m just a shepherd

Dec 17, 2022 12:34:24 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

How go the edits?

Dec 17, 2022 12:35:16 PM Me

In progress 👍

Reactions:

Liked by darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 17, 2022 12:35:28 PM Me

Was wiped from work week

Dec 17, 2022 12:35:41 PM Me

User persona palooza

Dec 17, 2022 12:39:38 PM Me

Power went out yesterday too

Dec 17, 2022 1:16:38 PM (Read by you after 3 minutes, 17 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 17, 2022 2:34:29 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

I like that some of the edits tell me how to design.

Dec 17, 2022 2:36:46 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Its like Art Director feedback

Dec 17, 2022 8:53:34 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 52 minutes, 17 seconds) Me

When I read things like this…

Dec 17, 2022 8:53:39 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 52 minutes, 12 seconds) Me

“Make header picture- the banner- extend the entire width of the website. Remove the words, ‘Listen to your heart’
Let quote sit directly over the picture using philosopher font and have last line of the quote sit all on one line.
Remove space between quote and reference and make ‘The Alchemist, Paulo Coehlo’ smaller and in italics”

Dec 17, 2022 8:54:00 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 51 minutes, 51 seconds) Me

I ask, why am I here? You don’t need me. I’m just a set of hands

Dec 18, 2022 3:44:56 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 6 minutes, 47 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

She knows what she wants but does not know how to do it. That is why we are here. 😍 We can also suggest a better design if we want to. You are the expert.

Dec 17, 2022 9:00:49 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 45 minutes, 2 seconds) Me

I’m incredibly depressed and numb and it’s been coming on all day. Its like splitting. Where things don’t feel real. Like you’re watching your life not living it.

Dec 17, 2022 9:03:54 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 41 minutes, 57 seconds) Me

Liz acts and behaves like I’m not here in the house. Walks around and by me etc, without any words or nothing. Like I’m invisible. I’ve felt invisible for enormous periods of time in my life. In fact there’s only been a few times I didn’t feel invisible. It feels more and more to me that I should just go away.

Dec 18, 2022 3:46:50 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 4 minutes, 53 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Do you engage with her? Say hello or do you mirror her?

Dec 17, 2022 9:06:54 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 38 minutes, 57 seconds) Me

And I find it incredibly sad and doubly depressing not to feel happiness or joy

Dec 17, 2022 9:07:45 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 38 minutes, 6 seconds) Me

I feel stuck and makes me ideate as an escape

Dec 17, 2022 9:08:19 PM (Read by them after 4 hours, 37 minutes, 32 seconds) Me

No sense of belonging somewhere

Dec 18, 2022 3:44:56 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 6 minutes, 47 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

She knows what she wants but does not know how to do it. That is why we are here. 😍 We can also suggest a better design if we want to. You are the expert.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 18, 2022 3:46:50 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 4 minutes, 53 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Do you engage with her? Say hello or do you mirror her?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 18, 2022 3:49:28 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 2 minutes, 15 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Let’s schedule a time for a call. Text me when you wake up

Dec 18, 2022 8:52:19 AM Me

Up. Watching World Cup

Dec 18, 2022 8:53:33 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

In between- everyplace is full

Dec 18, 2022 8:53:41 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Catching glimpses

Dec 18, 2022 10:03:45 AM (Read by you after 6 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Omg - Mbappe

Dec 18, 2022 10:03:56 AM Me

Crazy

Dec 18, 2022 10:04:04 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I will find somewhere to watch OT

Dec 18, 2022 10:04:07 AM Me

OT

Dec 18, 2022 10:04:27 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

How much do they break for

Dec 18, 2022 10:04:39 AM Me

Maybe 10

Dec 18, 2022 10:04:47 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

They don’t have many tvs here

Dec 18, 2022 10:05:01 AM Me

No break between OTs other than switching ends of field

Dec 18, 2022 10:05:47 AM (Read by you after 1 minute, 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 18, 2022 11:07:13 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 22 minutes) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Tough for Mbappe

Dec 18, 2022 11:07:46 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 21 minutes, 27 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

What happen with penalty shots 4-2??

Dec 18, 2022 11:07:55 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 21 minutes, 18 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I was driving home

Dec 18, 2022 12:29:39 PM Me

Yes, 4-2 Argentina 🇦🇷!!

Dec 19, 2022 4:42:16 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 8 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Hola

Dec 19, 2022 4:43:28 PM Me

Hi

Dec 19, 2022 4:45:06 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sent you an email about edits. Take a peek. Let me know if you saw these emails last week

Dec 19, 2022 4:46:43 PM (Read by you after 3 minutes, 53 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Hope the day is going well 😀

Dec 19, 2022 4:50:15 PM (Read by you after 21 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

If they got missed, let me know if you can jam out some of them today and I can pick up with what is left tomorrow.

Dec 19, 2022 4:50:57 PM Me

I did see your edits from last week and got them all done

Dec 19, 2022 4:51:21 PM Me

Confused

Dec 19, 2022 4:53:51 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Three emails. One for the home page One for the membership pages One of screenshots in case pdf did not open

Reactions:

Liked by Me

Dec 19, 2022 4:54:11 PM Me

Got and did that

Dec 19, 2022 4:54:33 PM Me

I thought I had emailed you back and told you I was done and to let me know if there was anything else

Dec 19, 2022 4:55:33 PM (Read by you after 4 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

You did. So I told her it was done. She is saying they are not done.

Dec 19, 2022 4:55:48 PM Me

Oh

Dec 19, 2022 4:56:04 PM Me

I’m on trail right now

Dec 19, 2022 4:56:11 PM Me

On way home soon

Dec 19, 2022 4:56:17 PM Me

And can look

Dec 19, 2022 4:56:35 PM Me

Maybe she’s looking at cashed pages

Dec 19, 2022 4:57:37 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Take a peak. Send me the intel. Perhaps my pages are cached version but to be fair I only glanced at them.

Reactions:

Liked by Me

Dec 19, 2022 4:58:28 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Have a good hike.

Dec 19, 2022 4:59:46 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

New friends

Dec 19, 2022 4:59:55 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Picked up new rental car today

Dec 19, 2022 5:03:04 PM Me

Wow snow ⛄️

Dec 19, 2022 5:03:08 PM Me

Skiing?

Dec 19, 2022 5:03:52 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Just checked Mobile version quickly. It needs a bit of love

Dec 19, 2022 5:04:37 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

No skiing yet. It’s going to be 50 all this week. We will ski in January

Dec 19, 2022 5:05:25 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Cold front came through last week and dropped about 4-6 inches

Dec 19, 2022 5:07:50 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Ok - off to bed. Soak up the good juju of nature. I’ll look for your email when I wake up. 💤

Dec 20, 2022 1:50:50 PM (Read by you after 38 minutes, 40 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Bonjour

Dec 20, 2022 2:29:53 PM Me

I’m going thru and checking right now

Reactions:

Liked by darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 20, 2022 2:30:14 PM Me

I’m missing some content, and will email a list

Dec 20, 2022 3:01:38 PM (Read by them after 27 seconds) Me

Can you connect Smash Balloon Facebook Feed for the footer? I don’t have her login information, nor an API Token for her page or group.

Dec 20, 2022 3:37:40 PM (Read by you after 4 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I will look into it in the morning

Dec 20, 2022 3:22:24 PM (Read by them after 7 minutes, 51 seconds) Me

This is messed up. I’m not seeing work I KNOW I did

Dec 20, 2022 3:37:40 PM (Read by you after 4 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I will look into it in the morning
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 20, 2022 3:38:04 PM (Read by them after 6 seconds) Me

K, still going through your list and the pages. Some edits didn’t get saved or got reverted.

Dec 20, 2022 3:38:28 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Actually putting comments in the word file as I confirm.

Dec 20, 2022 3:38:38 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I will send confirmation docs back when finished

Dec 20, 2022 3:41:38 PM (Read by you after 43 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Don’t make any edits for 5 mins

Dec 20, 2022 3:42:23 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

ok

Dec 20, 2022 3:42:26 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’m verifying some info one the dashboard. I’ll give you a thumbs up when I am logged out

Dec 20, 2022 3:42:26 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

I’ve stopped

Dec 20, 2022 4:02:32 PM (Read by you after 3 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Ok - I’m out

Dec 20, 2022 4:02:39 PM (Read by them after 4 seconds) Me

What’s up?

Dec 20, 2022 4:03:01 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Logged out of the website

Dec 20, 2022 4:03:48 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 36 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I noticed I can’t see the revisions tab on the edit pages function

Dec 20, 2022 4:04:21 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 3 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I had content go missing too and that is where I was able to recover it.

Dec 20, 2022 4:06:37 PM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 47 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Anyway I wanted yo verify that only you and I have access to this website. And it’s only me and you. I am changing siteground password too. As an added measure

Dec 20, 2022 4:10:05 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Ok

Dec 20, 2022 4:10:36 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

FYI, it says you always have notifications silenced.

Dec 20, 2022 4:11:15 PM (Read by you after 3 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sleep mode is active.

Dec 20, 2022 4:11:21 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

oh

Dec 20, 2022 4:12:08 PM (Read by you after 4 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Cool - so you should be good to go.

Dec 20, 2022 4:12:14 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Ok

Dec 20, 2022 4:12:18 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I’ll get back at it

Dec 20, 2022 4:13:18 PM (Read by you after 5 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Update me here and or email I need to update her on progress

Dec 20, 2022 4:13:23 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Tomorrow

Dec 20, 2022 4:13:25 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Ok

Dec 20, 2022 4:17:26 PM (Read by you after 38 minutes, 47 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Pics of the day

Dec 20, 2022 4:17:27 PM (Read by you after 38 minutes, 46 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Heading to sleep 💤. Very little sleep past two nights

Dec 20, 2022 4:19:14 PM (Read by you after 36 minutes, 59 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Thank you. I appreciate you and your skills.

Dec 20, 2022 5:23:43 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

OK all done. Cache cleared.

Dec 20, 2022 5:23:49 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

There are things I don’t have.

Dec 20, 2022 5:23:53 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

More blog posts

Dec 20, 2022 5:24:35 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

On this page, https://divi.essencetribe.com/member/ she refers to a meditation on her website but I don’t see it on her personal site. She has a screen capture that shows it, but its not there

Dec 20, 2022 5:25:01 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

https://divi.essencetribe.com/member-share-page/
Member Share Page

Dec 20, 2022 5:25:01 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Not sure what else on this page

Dec 20, 2022 5:25:48 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

https://divi.essencetribe.com/meditation-page/
Meditate Page

Dec 20, 2022 5:25:48 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

She asked for the 3 additional mediations on the bottom left. I also had to move each piece of content left to right to switch columns, total PITA

Dec 20, 2022 5:26:29 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

https://divi.essencetribe.com/listen-page/
Listen Page

Dec 20, 2022 5:26:29 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

She asked how this will populate. It doesn’t. Its manually built so you have to clone anything to create something new and link the correct files to it.

Dec 20, 2022 5:27:06 PM (Read by them after 4 seconds) Me

https://divi.essencetribe.com/read/
Read

Dec 20, 2022 5:27:07 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

The blog landing looks good, but only have one blog post

Dec 20, 2022 5:27:36 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

https://divi.essencetribe.com/ballerina/
Transactions and Being a Ballerina

Dec 20, 2022 5:27:36 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

On individual posts she asked for audio versions on top of the post. You have to add those yourself

Dec 20, 2022 5:27:38 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

That’s it

Dec 20, 2022 5:27:48 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Should be good to go

Dec 20, 2022 5:28:06 PM Me

Took me 4 more hours to go over that

Dec 20, 2022 7:13:41 PM Me

Liz just left to go to a holiday party sans me. She looked so beautiful… She also would not give me the time of day I am so depressed

Dec 20, 2022 9:18:57 PM Me

Won’t lie struggle is for real

Dec 20, 2022 11:14:07 PM Me

The more I live the more I don’t

Dec 20, 2022 11:15:30 PM Me

I’m just a mess. I shaved my beard while Liz was away at the party. I had been wanting to. She didn’t notice at all. She didn’t even know I had a beard.

Dec 20, 2022 11:16:07 PM Me

Better off Dead is more than a movie title

Dec 21, 2022 2:03:07 AM Me

Still awake here

Reactions:

Questioned by darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 21, 2022 2:05:06 AM Me

Had an idea. The page she has the audio posts with “little” things at the bottom. There is a way to turn that into a blog driven page that is filtered automatically by category, and we exclude that category from the main blog so you can publish to two different things, and places at once. Let me know if this makes sense

Dec 21, 2022 2:13:58 AM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good idea. Let’s get the main edits completed first. I will go over them this morning and then send her way for last round of edits before making the website live.

Reactions:

Liked by Me

Dec 21, 2022 2:05:52 AM Me

Also, I’ve been crying again every day and God bless feeling great. I’m just trying to strike up basic conversation with Liz and it’s like I’m invisible.

Dec 21, 2022 2:11:52 AM Me

My heart continues to break every day as I’m reminded of being accused of something that I could never ever do. I would NEVER cause her harm. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. I love my wife and have never stopped. I was depressed and feeling alone and forgotten. I got mad because it seemed like no one gave a shit about me. No one lent me a hand here when I was lost in my darkest moments.

Dec 21, 2022 2:13:58 AM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good idea. Let’s get the main edits completed first. I will go over them this morning and then send her way for last round of edits before making the website live.

Reactions:

Liked by Me
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 21, 2022 2:15:24 AM Me

She was fearful of my anger, but it was never directed at her, ever. Did I raise my voice, sure we all can in emotional moments, but I would never ever cause her harm. I regret so much. I feel trapped as if in a mental prison of sorts and it sux

Dec 21, 2022 2:21:19 AM Me

And of course if I put my Buddha hat on I realize that I’m just too attached to ideas and feelings and things that create emotions inside me and let those steer and stir me in these weird and wicked ways. There are days is even weeks when I feel like things are moving forward yet what I’m constantly reminded is how easy it is to fall backwards, and usually deeper, only to have to climb yourself out of a hole once again. The energy and effort just to get yourself through a day is pretty goddamn exhausting let alone having to spend many hours of it focused and concentrating with all your mental faculties on paying work.

Dec 21, 2022 2:22:55 AM Me

I’ll just quickly remind you to that I’m not looking for any answers from you, I don’t think that you are going to get your magic swami groove on with the crystal ball and suddenly from the mountain tops say one sentence that’s going to magically change my life, although all of that would be super cool, it is sadly not reality.

Dec 21, 2022 2:26:00 AM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

🪄

Dec 21, 2022 2:23:43 AM Me

Even though I like to air on the side of optimism I am almost always a realist basically because the game of soccer has taught me that sometimes things can really suck even when you try your best

Dec 21, 2022 2:24:55 AM (Read by you after 2 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sent with love ❤️ You are looking to control things beyond your control. You know and so does Liz that you would not ever hurt her. Right now her story is what it is and you can’t change it for her. Her actions are in alignment with this story. You seeking her to act differently is understandable and a bit delusional.

Dec 21, 2022 2:26:00 AM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

🪄
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 21, 2022 2:27:04 AM Me

I’m only trying to say hello, how are things? Anything I can help with? How is your mom? Etc I care about her and her life

Dec 21, 2022 2:30:15 AM Me

I want to be helpful, I love her. I was away for 1/3 of the year. I’ve been “quietly” living here since returning in May to not disturb the chi heading into IRonMan.

Dec 21, 2022 2:30:58 AM Me

Something changed between me leaving for NY and returning

Dec 21, 2022 2:31:24 AM Me

She was different, not wearing wedding ring anymore

Dec 21, 2022 2:32:31 AM Me

And suddenly I’m treated as persona non grata

Dec 21, 2022 2:32:39 AM Me

It hurts

Dec 21, 2022 2:33:08 AM Me

Anyhow 1:30 am here

Dec 21, 2022 2:33:47 AM Me

You don’t need to listen to any more of my shit. I hope you have a good day over there with your family. Gotta say kind of jealous

Dec 21, 2022 2:35:15 AM (Read by you after 6 hours, 25 minutes, 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

You should stop listening too 😀

Dec 21, 2022 2:36:08 AM (Read by you after 6 hours, 24 minutes, 8 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Keep finding your center, your purpose, love and happiness from within.

Dec 21, 2022 2:37:10 AM (Read by you after 6 hours, 23 minutes, 6 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Goodnight. 💤

Dec 21, 2022 9:43:30 AM Me

I’m awake, but ready to not be

Dec 21, 2022 9:44:05 AM Me

Depression is here again

Dec 21, 2022 9:44:25 AM Me

I know it well enough to know

Dec 21, 2022 9:52:38 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 21, 2022 9:52:48 AM Me

Feeling like I don’t want to continue. If the past 18 months are my new life, I can’t do it. To get this far into my life and have my family all taken away is too much for me

Dec 21, 2022 11:04:55 AM (Read by them after 44 minutes, 16 seconds) Me

This was the word doc where I kept track
Click to download Edits for Darrell..docx (18.60 KB)

Dec 21, 2022 11:05:52 AM (Read by them after 43 minutes, 19 seconds) Me

In meetings now. Going to work for the next 3-4 hours and then run errands in town with Declan. Ping me if you need anything on websites.

Dec 21, 2022 11:54:23 AM (Read by them after 4 seconds) Me

Medium
12 Signs You’re With An Emotionally Mature Man
He has the capacity to receive your love.

Dec 21, 2022 11:54:50 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I was sad to read that. I’m not very mature - frozen in time developmentally due to trauma

Dec 21, 2022 2:33:18 PM Me

I just went and had a 40 minute chair massage on my neck and back. The guy said to me that I was extremely tight particularly between the neck and shoulder and then my forearms. He did this acupressure thing with my forearm and my wrist it hurt so good

Reactions:

Loved by darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 21, 2022 2:33:54 PM Me

Right now I feel like I just woke up the day after going to the gym hard core where your muscles are sore from being activated. He really dug around, and I told him to

Dec 21, 2022 4:20:22 PM Me

Have u checked the website?

Dec 21, 2022 4:20:36 PM Me

My edits? Do you see them?

Dec 21, 2022 5:39:32 PM (Read by you after 8 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Yes

Dec 21, 2022 5:39:52 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’m Doing the fine tuning ones she sent

Dec 21, 2022 5:40:04 PM Me

k

Dec 21, 2022 5:40:16 PM Me

What about more blog content and that class I don’t see on her site?

Dec 21, 2022 5:40:28 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I found the class

Dec 21, 2022 5:40:33 PM Me

Cool

Dec 21, 2022 5:41:10 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 2 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Only one blog for now. She will add more

Dec 21, 2022 5:41:44 PM (Read by you after 28 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Next step is dial in membership functionality

Dec 21, 2022 5:42:15 PM Me

K

Dec 21, 2022 5:42:40 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Just about to sunset here. Going to go watch it on the solstice. Back in about 15-20

Dec 21, 2022 5:42:54 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Glad you got some self are today. Add a massage to your weekly routine

Dec 21, 2022 5:43:05 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

OMG

Dec 21, 2022 5:43:16 PM Me

$35 for 40 min in a chair

Dec 21, 2022 5:43:19 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Enjoy - I’m going to sleep

Dec 21, 2022 5:43:27 PM Me

Hurts, but that’s cause I’m so tight

Dec 21, 2022 5:43:36 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Take a picture of the sunset

Dec 21, 2022 5:43:39 PM Me

K

Dec 21, 2022 5:51:27 PM Me

Dec 21, 2022 5:52:26 PM Me

Dec 21, 2022 6:12:15 PM Me

https://insig.ht/ah3CReSaXvb
You Are Enough
By Hannah Leatherbury

Dec 21, 2022 6:12:15 PM Me

Found this tonight at sunset

Dec 22, 2022 3:29:19 AM (Read by you after 6 hours, 46 minutes, 3 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Beautiful

Dec 22, 2022 10:17:12 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Up. Let me know if you need help getting the login/sign up looking good after you get it working.

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Dec 22, 2022 10:17:32 AM Me

If you focus on functionality I can come in and dial in the layout.

Dec 22, 2022 10:17:38 AM Me

Let me know what you think.

Dec 22, 2022 10:18:48 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

For Hatch I’m developing/designing new User Personas for all product lines, designing new logos for product repositioning, and working on production of small design tweaks to existing pages so I learn how the sausage is made.

Dec 22, 2022 10:21:14 AM (Read by you after 50 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Wow

Dec 22, 2022 10:23:26 AM (Read by them after 4 seconds) Me

Yeah, heating up quick. The personas will eventually be totally data driven. My goal is for the sales, marketing, content, and support groups to adopt these user personas in any initiatives so they align with what we’re doing inside of Product Development

Dec 22, 2022 10:24:09 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Right now some of these groups have their own versions, but not nearly as refined as where I’m taking this.

Dec 22, 2022 10:24:43 AM (Read by them after 5 minutes, 30 seconds) Me

I’ll keep you posted. Actually I should keep a log of what I’m doing. Could be a good case study

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Dec 23, 2022 9:34:46 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Hi, up over here.

Dec 23, 2022 9:34:57 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

How are things in northern France?

Dec 23, 2022 9:44:19 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 39 minutes, 15 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good here. Just heard the news about Paris

Dec 23, 2022 9:44:42 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 38 minutes, 52 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Out shopping with Lilly for Willow for Xmas

Dec 24, 2022 4:37:58 PM (Read by you after 19 minutes, 47 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Hey, I was thinking about you. Sending lots of love and joy your way. ❤️😀❤️😀

Dec 24, 2022 4:58:02 PM Me

Thx

Dec 24, 2022 4:58:19 PM Me

Distracting myself

Dec 24, 2022 5:01:44 PM Me

Putting the finishing touches on a cane that converts into a hiking stick. I made it for my dad, and I made it from our Christmas tree from last year. I was able to carve the top out on each one and insert a Kennedy half dollar, which is kind of a joke because when I was a kid my dad was saving a lot of those Kennedy half dollars for me. I found them and took them to Jerry’s variety Penny candy store and came home with basically a grocery bag full of Swedish fish. Since I was there in the spring and saw how unstable he was the idea of a cane is kind of perfect and I’m hoping this is cool enough that he might actually use it. The one last thing I failed to mention is that besides the hardware that allows you to change the handle, on the bottom you can change it from a rubber tip for indoors, or a metal spike for when he’s in the snow and ice. It’s a very cool cane tip I found in a hardware store in Minnesota

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Dec 24, 2022 11:19:08 PM Me

Joyeux Noël!!🎄

Dec 25, 2022 1:12:07 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Dec 25, 2022 1:13:23 PM Me

Hope your having a good day / evening

Dec 25, 2022 1:13:33 PM Me

Just noon here

Dec 25, 2022 1:17:35 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Winding down

Dec 25, 2022 1:18:08 PM Me

I’ve been triggered massively and not knee jerk reacting but feels like bottling it up. Trying to let go of the deep sadness of today. And don’t know why but had this premonition this that this is my last Christmas. Made me cry as I was doing dishes. I’ve offered to help with cooking or anything else but Liz insists she’s got it. She’s ghosting me hard today

Dec 25, 2022 1:18:47 PM Me

Dec 25, 2022 1:19:32 PM Me

That’s the extent of my Christmas gifts from my family. Only missing the coal.

Dec 25, 2022 1:20:14 PM Me

I know it’s not about the gifts, but the thought behind them

Dec 25, 2022 1:20:36 PM Me

This Christmas looks like no one was thinking of me at all

Dec 25, 2022 1:22:00 PM Me

I’m trying to let that story go, but when it’s you’re core family on the one this one day, it complicates things.

Dec 25, 2022 1:22:22 PM Me

Anyhow going to spend the rest of today alone

Dec 25, 2022 1:23:26 PM Me

Thought just landed 🛬

Dec 25, 2022 1:24:10 PM Me

“I’ve never felt more dead while alive”

Dec 25, 2022 1:24:37 PM Me

Trying to figure out what I sewed to reap such things

Dec 25, 2022 1:57:51 PM Me

And boy am I feeling it

Dec 25, 2022 2:25:51 PM Me

Trying to figure out what the fucking universe is trying to tell me.

Dec 25, 2022 2:38:46 PM Me

My life has been different for 18 months, and I realize it’s never going back there. I don’t like my life now at all. I hate it frankly and don’t want to live anymore to be honest. I don’t want to start my life over, I just don’t want any of it. I wake up every day and just push my way through every day.

Dec 25, 2022 2:39:16 PM Me

If someone told you you had to live the next 18 months with no joy or happiness and continuously feel depressed I don’t think you’d want to do it either

Dec 25, 2022 2:40:00 PM Me

I mean to me today’s a perfect example of “no one cares”

Dec 25, 2022 2:51:53 PM Me

It really sucks to have death and ways to die be the dominant thought of my day on Christmas. But it dawned on me that it’s core I just want to feel love. And I haven’t felt love, something as simple as holding hands, for two years. I can’t make her love me again. I feel as though she doesn’t love me anymore. Not even the kind of love you to give to a friend. I’m not even getting that. It feels on some level like a war of attrition. She’s just gonna be stubborn and hold out until I pack up my tent and go away. That’s how all of this feels to me.

Dec 25, 2022 2:54:21 PM Me

I also pick up a big vibe from her to the effect of, fine I’ll go to counseling and do the talking just so we can close it up. To me all of this feels like judge, jury, trial, sentenced and I didn’t even know What was happening.

Dec 25, 2022 2:56:31 PM Me

My apologies for filling up your text with all this shit that’s pouring out of my head. Aside from this text the only other place it lives in my head so in some sense putting it here get it out with me on some level instead of me holding onto it entirely, so subconsciously I guess it helps. Please please please feel free to ignore everything I’m saying I’m just really hurt, been hurting for a long time, and just kind of waking up from my zombie life existence

Dec 25, 2022 2:57:10 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Never will you be ignored here

Dec 25, 2022 2:57:15 PM Me

I just wish no one in my family got hurt from me being sick

Dec 25, 2022 2:57:30 PM Me

This should totally be my cross to bear call mom

Dec 25, 2022 2:57:43 PM Me

I don’t know where call mom came from, I did not say that

Dec 25, 2022 2:58:27 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

You are carrying to much of the burden. Your life is your responsibility. Not everything that occurs in your life and what other people do is say is.

Dec 25, 2022 2:59:10 PM Me

I think I’m just gonna be honest with people know when they ask me,”How are you doing? “ I’ve been severely depressed for five years and I’m in the middle of my marriage falling apart, how about you?

Dec 25, 2022 2:59:32 PM Me

I’m sick of lying to people’s faces about what’s really going on with me I think it’s fair to be straight up and honest with people

Dec 25, 2022 2:59:52 PM Me

I’m not looking for any sympathy, I’m just sick of pretending that everything’s OK well it’s not

Dec 25, 2022 3:00:08 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

That would be a good step to take

Dec 25, 2022 3:00:26 PM Me

I don’t need anyone’s sympathy, maybe Linden ear, but I can handle myself in my own well-being I get to choose whether I’m happy or sad and nobody else can do that for me

Dec 25, 2022 3:00:35 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Stop lying to others Stop lying to yourself

Dec 25, 2022 3:00:48 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Reverse that

Dec 25, 2022 3:00:49 PM Me

Wow, I didn’t even think of that second one

Dec 25, 2022 3:01:36 PM Me

So the hypothetical Tuesday morning is my colleagues from work call log into a meeting and everyone asks how was your Christmas? And I guess I told them I didn’t get any presents for my family I’ve been depressed for two years in my marriage is falling apart how was your Christmas?

Dec 25, 2022 3:02:06 PM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

No

Dec 25, 2022 3:02:24 PM (Read by you after 1 second) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Everything is relevant

Dec 25, 2022 3:02:39 PM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

It has no bearing on their life or your relationship with them

Dec 25, 2022 3:01:42 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

You have been telling yourself the truth but unwilling to completely own it by lying to others thereby lying to yourself

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Dec 25, 2022 3:02:06 PM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

No
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 25, 2022 3:02:24 PM (Read by you after 1 second) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Everything is relevant
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 25, 2022 3:02:33 PM Me

So no on the “brutal honesty” approach

Dec 25, 2022 3:02:39 PM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

It has no bearing on their life or your relationship with them
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 25, 2022 3:03:42 PM Me

Watching those dots!

Dec 25, 2022 3:04:46 PM Me

I think I decided I’m gonna start cleaning out my shit tomorrow giving things away to Goodwill and stripping my life down to minimalism

Dec 25, 2022 3:05:00 PM Me

Anything I have not touched in six months to a year that is less than $100 to replace is gone

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Dec 25, 2022 3:05:30 PM Me

Next year I want to be ready to travel and travel light

Dec 25, 2022 3:05:49 PM Me

Like leave and never come back kind of travel

Dec 25, 2022 3:06:38 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Lighten the weight is a good idea. You can be more nimble and responsive. BUT leaving is not the path

Dec 25, 2022 3:09:40 PM ⇲ Me

I'm subliminally being directed that way. Actions or lack thereof are pointing me that way. I suspect she may be surprised if I did up and leave, (I feel she sees me as weak and ineffective, and I wouldn't have the cajones yo leave, like Im too scared to

Dec 25, 2022 3:07:51 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

This is a leg of the journey that must be played to completion

Dec 25, 2022 3:09:09 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Truths must be realized and owned by all. It is the way to a better future

Dec 25, 2022 3:09:35 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I lol be back in a bit

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Dec 25, 2022 3:09:40 PM ⇱ Me

I'm subliminally being directed that way. Actions or lack thereof are pointing me that way. I suspect she may be surprised if I did up and leave, (I feel she sees me as weak and ineffective, and I wouldn't have the cajones yo leave, like Im too scared to
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 25, 2022 3:10:14 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Something to be said there

Dec 25, 2022 3:10:30 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

More to come in a bit. The girls are calling me

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Dec 25, 2022 3:10:54 PM Me

She looks at me with lenses that are 2 years old She sees old Bert all the time, but won't talk with me to discover I'm different

Dec 25, 2022 3:30:53 PM Me

Here's a poem

Dec 25, 2022 3:31:00 PM Me

Worry Energy wasted On matters not worth a worry However, my mind is sometimes caught in mirrors, seeing itself; always finding worry worthy of a medal So fierce and persistent Never surrendering Worry

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Dec 25, 2022 3:47:34 PM Me

Dec 25, 2022 3:52:59 PM Me

Dec 25, 2022 3:53:38 PM Me

Just done with our hike, now I’m off to pick up Sallie for Christmas dinner in the garden,. I will send you pictures, you can see my garden and what it looks like I am the one with the green thumb in the family

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Dec 26, 2022 2:10:36 PM (Read by you after 57 minutes, 31 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I like this… “One of the worst things you can do is get hung up in an endless loop of the past. Operate out of your dreams and imagination, not your history and memories.”

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Dec 26, 2022 3:08:39 PM Me

Dec 26, 2022 7:31:01 PM Me

Being with Liz is like pulling teeth

Dec 27, 2022 8:58:15 AM Me

Hi, Tues morning here. Any updates on the website?

Dec 27, 2022 10:19:54 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sent an email

Dec 27, 2022 10:20:47 AM Me

K

Dec 27, 2022 10:21:08 AM Me

How are things?

Dec 27, 2022 10:53:20 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 5 minutes, 42 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good - spent afternoon at doctors - will came down with a serious case of hives. Don’t know what caused them. Used up our Benedryl. Doctor said it’s an allergic reaction (what we thought - face paints most probable cause). Got new anti-histamine

Dec 27, 2022 10:54:02 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 5 minutes) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Prescription cost… … … $6.99

Dec 27, 2022 11:59:23 AM Me

Wow

Dec 28, 2022 9:59:05 AM Me

I either want to check out or move away. For some reason I believe I will never have my marriage and relationship back, ever.

Dec 28, 2022 9:59:42 AM Me

I don't exist.

Dec 28, 2022 1:26:25 PM Me

https://insig.ht/mkck0cOs8vb
Hoʻoponopono For Forgiveness - 10 Minute Daily Insight
By Jana Roemer

Dec 28, 2022 1:27:16 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’ll check it out

Dec 28, 2022 1:28:05 PM Me

I just listened. Well it didn’t make me feel much but I can tell if it’s powerful

Dec 28, 2022 1:28:57 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Did you see the email about image for website? Imade it work with margin adjustments but think an image may be the better solution

Dec 28, 2022 1:30:06 PM Me

I did see that email, but I fell sleep on the couch last night with the laptop on my lap. I’ll get to it today for sure. I have a meeting coming up, and a few tasks to attend to show all send you another note when I’m all done

Dec 28, 2022 1:30:45 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Reach out after your meeting

Dec 28, 2022 1:30:58 PM Me

K

Dec 28, 2022 1:31:06 PM Me

What are you and the family up to today

Dec 28, 2022 1:31:21 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

What time do you expect to finish with your meeting

Dec 28, 2022 1:31:54 PM Me

Scheduled for 1 to 130, has potential to go until two at most

Dec 28, 2022 1:32:11 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 28, 2022 1:32:12 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Chocolate history tour and chocolate making class for Willow and Sarah

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Dec 28, 2022 1:32:15 PM Me

What time is it there right now

Dec 28, 2022 1:32:27 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

932

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Dec 28, 2022 1:32:42 PM Me

9 hrs ahead

Dec 28, 2022 1:33:10 PM Me

I can never remember if it's 6, 7, 8,9

Dec 28, 2022 1:33:23 PM Me

I was thinking 10

Dec 28, 2022 1:37:58 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 6 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dec 28, 2022 6:19:58 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Heading to bed it’s 2am For the ET site, the membership pages are going to need some styling to match the website. I create them in the membership plugin. Going to need a bit of help with dialing in cheese importers links and url. I want to have a clean website before I transfer hosting. I’ll be able to send ftp access tomorrow

Dec 28, 2022 6:20:16 PM Me

K

Dec 28, 2022 6:20:43 PM Me

just got in from spending some time with the boys. About to eat some dinner and then I’ll do some work on that image

Dec 28, 2022 6:23:01 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 18 minutes, 34 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Check what I did? It may be good as is now. Before you spend anytime creating a new image

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Dec 28, 2022 9:30:30 PM Me

Your work on the banner area looks great. Well done

Dec 28, 2022 10:03:52 PM Me

I also updated the Join page. Let me know what you think.

Dec 28, 2022 10:03:55 PM Me

https://divi.essencetribe.com/join/
Join Now — Select Membership Option

Dec 30, 2022 2:13:55 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 24 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Hello

Dec 30, 2022 2:15:22 PM Me

Hi

Dec 30, 2022 2:27:26 PM (Read by you after 8 minutes, 40 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

How goes things

Dec 30, 2022 2:38:18 PM (Read by them after 41 seconds) ⇲ Me

Ok I guess. Busy with work projects, lots of Premier League on, World Championships of Darts is happening now, final on Jan 3rd, ummmmmmmmmmm I upped dosage on one of my depression meds to see if it helps me have less “down/sadness” after talking with my psych nurse who manages my meds.

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Dec 30, 2022 2:38:32 PM (Read by them after 27 seconds) ⇲ Me

I feel alone most of the time

Dec 30, 2022 2:39:42 PM (Read by them after 15 seconds) ⇲ Me

Still ghosted hard. Only got a bar of soap in my stocking for Christmas. No gifts from Liz or the Boys. Except for Aidan.

Dec 30, 2022 2:41:28 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇲ Me

He got me a cool ring that is a bottle top opener.

Dec 30, 2022 2:42:15 PM (Read by them after 4 seconds) ⇲ Me

Like the color on those little houses

Dec 30, 2022 2:42:54 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇲ Me

I know it’s not the gift that counts, but the thought. But what to think when there is no gifts. 😟

Dec 30, 2022 2:42:58 PM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Makes sense for Liz. Do the other two boys usually get you presents?

Dec 30, 2022 2:43:43 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇲ Me

Usually Liz helps them pick something, or gets something and says its from them.

Dec 30, 2022 2:44:14 PM ⇲ Me

I’m fearing what’s ahead

Dec 30, 2022 2:45:08 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇲ Me

Said good morning today. Got a “mrmph” low level sound in response.

Dec 30, 2022 2:45:21 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇲ Me

That’s typical. One to 3 word replies on everything.

Dec 30, 2022 2:46:17 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇲ Me

I’m working, going to pay my bills, clean out my shit here (Goodwill, etc) and get minimal.

Dec 30, 2022 2:47:23 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇲ Me

Late January or Early Feb I’ll put deposit down on an R1T :

Dec 30, 2022 2:47:45 PM (Read by them after 29 seconds) ⇲ Me

Then once I have that, and a light load I can go where ever

Dec 30, 2022 2:48:09 PM (Read by them after 5 seconds) ⇲ Me

I can, as is said, “Get the Fuck Out”

Dec 30, 2022 2:48:46 PM (Read by them after 32 seconds) ⇲ Me

Right now my plan is to prepare my life raft. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Thats my life in a nutshell

Dec 30, 2022 2:49:11 PM (Read by them after 7 seconds) ⇲ Me

That and not get depressed

Dec 30, 2022 2:50:41 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇲ Me

I’ve seen MANY out here. They are based in Irvine, Orange County south of LA.

Dec 30, 2022 2:51:25 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇲ Me

Not cheap, but lots of features

Dec 30, 2022 2:35:59 PM (Read by you after 7 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I will catchup on cheese importers website tomorrow and send you info if I get stuck

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Dec 30, 2022 2:36:16 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Same for ET

Dec 30, 2022 2:36:16 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Have a good day. Until tomorrow

Dec 30, 2022 2:38:18 PM (Read by them after 41 seconds) ⇱ Me

Ok I guess. Busy with work projects, lots of Premier League on, World Championships of Darts is happening now, final on Jan 3rd, ummmmmmmmmmm I upped dosage on one of my depression meds to see if it helps me have less “down/sadness” after talking with my psych nurse who manages my meds.

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This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:38:32 PM (Read by them after 27 seconds) ⇱ Me

I feel alone most of the time
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:39:42 PM (Read by them after 15 seconds) ⇱ Me

Still ghosted hard. Only got a bar of soap in my stocking for Christmas. No gifts from Liz or the Boys. Except for Aidan.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:41:02 PM Me

Dec 30, 2022 2:41:26 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 32 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Turckhiem and Cheese tour

Dec 30, 2022 2:41:28 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇱ Me

He got me a cool ring that is a bottle top opener.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:42:15 PM (Read by them after 4 seconds) ⇱ Me

Like the color on those little houses
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:42:54 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇱ Me

I know it’s not the gift that counts, but the thought. But what to think when there is no gifts. 😟
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:42:58 PM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Makes sense for Liz. Do the other two boys usually get you presents?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:43:43 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇱ Me

Usually Liz helps them pick something, or gets something and says its from them.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:44:14 PM ⇱ Me

I’m fearing what’s ahead
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:44:42 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 39 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Ahh - so they are use to her doing it. And she’s not in the giving state of mind

Dec 30, 2022 2:45:08 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇱ Me

Said good morning today. Got a “mrmph” low level sound in response.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:45:21 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇱ Me

That’s typical. One to 3 word replies on everything.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:45:39 PM (Read by you after 42 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

It’s something

Dec 30, 2022 2:46:17 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇱ Me

I’m working, going to pay my bills, clean out my shit here (Goodwill, etc) and get minimal.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:47:15 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good plan

Dec 30, 2022 2:47:23 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇱ Me

Late January or Early Feb I’ll put deposit down on an R1T :
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:47:26 PM (Read by them after 1 minute, 7 seconds) ⇱ Me

https://rivian.com/r1t
R1T
An electric truck built for whatever you call a road. Your electric adventure awaits. Learn more about the capabilities, features and options of the R1T.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:47:45 PM (Read by them after 29 seconds) ⇱ Me

Then once I have that, and a light load I can go where ever
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:48:09 PM (Read by them after 5 seconds) ⇱ Me

I can, as is said, “Get the Fuck Out”
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:48:46 PM (Read by them after 32 seconds) ⇱ Me

Right now my plan is to prepare my life raft. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Thats my life in a nutshell
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:49:11 PM (Read by them after 7 seconds) ⇱ Me

That and not get depressed
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:49:37 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’ll read up on it. Looks cool.

Dec 30, 2022 2:50:41 PM (Read by them after 1 second) ⇱ Me

I’ve seen MANY out here. They are based in Irvine, Orange County south of LA.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:51:25 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇱ Me

Not cheap, but lots of features
This message responded to an earlier message.

Dec 30, 2022 2:52:27 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Signing off. 😴

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Dec 31, 2022 5:00:19 PM Me

Happy New Year! 🎈

Dec 31, 2022 5:00:55 PM Me

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Dec 31, 2022 5:31:39 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Happy New Years

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Dec 31, 2022 5:31:56 PM Me

4:30 here

Dec 31, 2022 5:32:11 PM Me

You in next year?

Jan 01, 2023 12:07:09 PM Me

Twitter
ʇɹǝq on Twitter
“Don’t expect much. People are stubborn. Those you thought had your back, don’t. You’ll be in a slightly less depressing daily existence, but depression will double down over summer, going deeper. You’re still here on 1/1/23 Meditation is your friend”

Jan 01, 2023 12:08:00 PM Me

Hope ur day is going ok

Jan 01, 2023 12:12:30 PM Me

Frustrated that whenever I try and talk with Liz she has her headphones 🎧 on—all the time. Every Day All Hours Majority of time I repeat myself out loud and still nothing. I just give up and go about my day. When I do make a point to get her attention, she’s annoyed with disdain, at least that is how it comes across. I can’t make her care I can’t make her engage I can’t make her like me All I can do is me.

Jan 01, 2023 12:15:18 PM Me

Also, VERY STRONG VIBRATIONS AND MOMENTS WHERE UNIVERSE told me to take holidays in, as they will be my last. I had a vision where I die sometime this year. Not from my own hand but from sudden onset of disease, etc.🦠

Jan 01, 2023 12:52:01 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 7 minutes, 42 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

When did you have this vision?

Jan 01, 2023 3:01:12 PM ⇲ Me

Christmas Eve. It’s been on my mind

Jan 01, 2023 12:15:33 PM Me

So how is your new year starting?

Jan 01, 2023 12:17:04 PM Me

Another day of sadness. Yay 2023!!

Jan 01, 2023 12:48:25 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 11 minutes, 18 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Jan 01, 2023 12:49:38 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 10 minutes, 5 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Is this your Post or something you found

Jan 01, 2023 3:00:26 PM ⇲ Me

My post in reply to a woman’s prompt

Jan 01, 2023 12:52:01 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 7 minutes, 42 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

When did you have this vision?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 01, 2023 12:55:44 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 3 minutes, 59 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Day started slowly with Brunch with new friends. Got back to our apartment around 4:30. Went for a hike today (pictures above and a couple more below). Amazon is acting strange. Spent an hour trying to rent a movie for the girls. Finally got Netflix to load.😀

Jan 01, 2023 12:57:17 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 2 minutes, 26 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 01, 2023 3:00:26 PM ⇱ Me

My post in reply to a woman’s prompt
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 01, 2023 3:01:12 PM ⇱ Me

Christmas Eve. It’s been on my mind
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 01, 2023 6:08:56 PM Me

Jan 02, 2023 11:01:08 AM Me

I’m tired of living I have no joy, or love, in my life.

Jan 02, 2023 11:04:06 AM Me

The energy and effort to keep trying on moving forward on top of just making it thru day for 18 months isn’t worth it. For what? More of this.

Jan 02, 2023 11:05:05 AM Me

I’m treated like I don’t exist

Jan 02, 2023 11:05:34 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Not true

Jan 02, 2023 11:05:59 AM Me

Worse than ghosting, cause it’s done to your face

Jan 02, 2023 11:08:01 AM Me

It’s hard when your wife does that 24/7/365

Jan 02, 2023 11:08:30 AM Me

Sometimes I question why I am putting up with this shit, just draw up the fucking divorce papers and be done with this shit

Jan 02, 2023 11:09:04 AM Me

Fuck the whole carnival 🎡 I want off the ride

Jan 02, 2023 11:14:45 AM Me

Spotify
Every Day Is Exactly The Same
Nine Inch Nails · Song · 2005

Jan 02, 2023 11:28:30 AM (Read by you after 18 minutes, 52 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’m going to say some obvious things. You are the ringmaster Shift your focus to the positive of the situation Your self worth, happiness and love ❤️ are derived from the inside -stop seeking them externally. Stop living from a place of fear. (All good advice for me to hear too 🧐)

Jan 02, 2023 11:47:55 AM Me

my whole life has been lived from fear

Jan 02, 2023 11:48:24 AM Me

it brought me to tears when that really sunk in

Jan 02, 2023 11:48:44 AM Me

made me think of how much of life I’ve missed out on because I’m too scared

Jan 02, 2023 12:15:33 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 15 minutes, 45 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Right there with you on that thought 💭

Jan 02, 2023 12:15:37 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 15 minutes, 41 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

…

Jan 02, 2023 12:15:55 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 15 minutes, 23 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Lots of life left 😃

Jan 02, 2023 12:19:46 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 11 minutes, 32 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 02, 2023 12:20:00 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 11 minutes, 18 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 02, 2023 12:20:00 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 11 minutes, 18 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Window with hearts ♥️ is ours

Jan 02, 2023 12:20:29 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 10 minutes, 49 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 02, 2023 5:26:52 PM Me

I don’t feel that I’m looking for self-worth or happiness outside myself, I just want to feel loved. I haven’t felt that in years from the woman I married. I find it hard to reconcile that wanting to feel her love is somehow codependent, when I am in such a unique position. She was operating like everything was fine in our relationship, but I kept stuffing down my opinions my preferences my thoughts. in many ways when I look at it I kind of brought this upon myself, but I feel like I wasn’t in control, I felt possessed. Depression feels like a demonic possession. You’re there you can see things you can feel things but you don’t feel in control really. It’s like you’re sitting in the backseat of the car and depression is driving and you have no way to reach the wheel to make it go your way

Jan 02, 2023 6:54:24 PM Me

https://sezkristiansen.substack.com/p/wayfarers-of-wonders
Wayfarers Of Wonders
For when you don't know where you are on this healing path

Jan 03, 2023 10:48:38 AM Me

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Jan 03, 2023 4:07:55 PM Me

Last night I serendipitously signed up for ReGain https://www.regain.us/ I’ve tried finding someone local but everyone is booked with waitlists and that’s been a few months now. Already assigned a counselor.

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Jan 03, 2023 5:29:47 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

You might find these helpful:

Jan 03, 2023 5:29:50 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

http://www.toddhenry.com/media/worksheets/4-questions-packet.pdf?ck_subscriber_id=1541269974
4-questions-packet

Jan 03, 2023 6:37:10 PM Me

Who you are becoming is more important than what you are doing

Jan 03, 2023 6:37:48 PM Me

Live on the inside looking out instead of outside looking in.

Jan 04, 2023 6:00:05 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Was just triggered SO DAMN HARD.

Jan 04, 2023 6:01:35 PM Me

Driving home thru town and see Liz’s jeep parked outside a downtown restaurant. No idea who she it with, but it hurts not being able to spend time with her and that I feel like I’m the last person she WOULD spend time with. Depression and despair are fucking HUGE right now.

Jan 05, 2023 3:45:43 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 40 minutes, 23 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Makes sense.

Jan 04, 2023 6:01:44 PM Me

I feel like such a loser, and failure

Jan 04, 2023 6:02:11 PM Me

Every day its in my face

Jan 04, 2023 6:02:30 PM Me

And I do have a sneaking suspicion she is seeing someone

Jan 04, 2023 7:24:42 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

OK, went for a walk in the rain and feel ALOT better.

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Jan 05, 2023 3:45:43 AM (Read by you after 5 hours, 40 minutes, 23 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Makes sense.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 05, 2023 3:20:08 PM (Read by you after 6 hours, 39 minutes) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 05, 2023 3:20:08 PM (Read by you after 6 hours, 39 minutes) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Tomorrow s the Wolf 🐺 Moon. First full moon of the year.

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Jan 05, 2023 3:23:02 PM (Read by you after 6 hours, 36 minutes, 6 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

We leave France 🇫🇷 on Saturday for Austria 🇦🇹. In decision mode about where to go next?? Maybe back to the states. I know that if we do that it will be a while before we make it back to Europe. It’s been a challenge for the girls in a country where they don’t speak the language. We will decide over the next week.

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Jan 05, 2023 10:00:43 PM Me

Probably no time but somewhere along the journey if you see a football ⚽ jersey 😁

Jan 05, 2023 10:09:43 PM Me

I let Liz know that I've signed up to have counseling together. I told her I had tried to find someone local, but they were all booked solid with waiting lists. I found a solution and ready to go forward. I caught her off guard. She had no idea, even though she was sent an email. Other than the initial reaction there was nothing else said about it. I’m hopeful when I login that she’s accepted the invitation. I sense she’s still holding strong and SO angry with me. She mumbles her replies to me despite my trying to engage. I know she doesn’t want to appear, talk, act, or do anything that would make it seem like things are “normal” between us, hence the way she acts towards me. I continue to show an open heart and kindness as best I can. I’m always open to possibility

Jan 05, 2023 10:11:19 PM Me

I went on a walk with the boys, her and the dogs. I relish the memory thinking of it now

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Jan 05, 2023 10:11:40 PM Me

That’s when I shared about counseling

Jan 05, 2023 10:29:32 PM Me

You will like this:

Jan 05, 2023 10:29:35 PM (Read by them after 11 seconds) Me

YouTube
How to use ChatGPT to build Business Ideas, Sites & Personal Projects
ChatGPT is more than just a language model, it can be used to create websites, businesses and much more. And I would know best, as I created, built, and sold...

Jan 06, 2023 12:58:59 PM (Read by them after 5 seconds) Me

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Jan 06, 2023 12:59:33 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

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Jan 06, 2023 1:42:05 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Pick up game

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Jan 06, 2023 2:04:49 PM (Read by them after 12 seconds) Me

The Marginalian
Love After Love: Derek Walcott’s Poetic Ode to Relearning to Be at Home in Ourselves After Heartbreak
“Sit. Feast on your life.”

Jan 07, 2023 1:03:14 AM Me

Worth a watch I learned something and subscribed

Jan 07, 2023 1:03:16 AM Me

YouTube
These 4 Ai Tools Will Make You Superhuman
#ai #chatgpt #openai #notion Enter Your Email Here for a Free Ai Siri Tutorial - https://bit.ly/AiSiriTutorialWatch Brett Speak Live in Vegas (1/11/21) - htt...

Jan 08, 2023 11:57:03 AM Me

Some days I wake up and don’t know why I’m alive. It seems all I’m here to do is inflict more suffering upon myself.

Jan 08, 2023 11:59:05 AM Me

Today is a big “I don’t want to be alive” day I have had these more times than I can count Existence and conscious are suffering for me and nothing else That is what my life experience has been for 18 mos

Jan 08, 2023 11:59:51 AM Me

And beyond mental suffering my body is also beginning to fall apart so there is that too

Jan 08, 2023 12:13:09 PM Me

Jan 08, 2023 4:09:18 PM Me

I found this doc on Twitter. She explains lots of things and explains a lot I wasn’t aware of in my life

Jan 08, 2023 4:09:21 PM Me

Twitter
Dr. Nicole LePera on Twitter
“Things I had to learn as an adult because I was raised in a highly codependent family dynamic:”

Jan 12, 2023 11:29:33 PM Me

Yo

Jan 12, 2023 11:29:45 PM Me

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Jan 12, 2023 11:34:20 PM Me

It’s been an incredibly rough 5 days and counting until our next session. I feel underlying hostility from Liz sometimes. Like she wants to either yell at me, or tell me to get out of the house. I’m not sure. What I do know is that she said divorce I know I do NOT want that at all. However we’ve not talked, really talked about things in years, and Covid hit, I went to the dark side and got MYSELF back with no help from her and now it’s “game over?”

Jan 12, 2023 11:49:20 PM Me

I understand that I hurt her. She does not seem to understand it’s not in me to hurt her no matter WHAT state of mind I’m in. I would NEVER DISHONOR HER, and I will MARK MY WORDS… DIE ON THAT HILL TO MY DYING DAY. the millisecond I sensed distress I was next to her face hearing and seeing her cry when she took the pillow off her head that SHE PUT ON. Up until that moment I heard and saw her crying, intimacy was proceeding like it had FOR YEARS. Her reactions, like allowing me to take off her pants, pulling a pillow over her head because she likes it dark. And soon after I got out of bed for a minute to disrobe. She didn’t move, had the pillow over her face and head, and could have gotten out of bed, or got up and told me to leave, and I would have. I mean look at how long I’ve waited, years, to have triathlon in the rear view and I can finally spend time with her. But no, I’m getting tossed out of my marriage because why? I was mentally ill? I needed help and refused. Well then have an intervention. Don’t let me go deeper and do nothing. All I wanted was her to acknowledge I existed and cared about me. THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I was incapacitated and incapable to self advocate for regular Bert. He’s back and now has to sacrifice his family and wife. None of it makes sense 😭😭😭😭 Ok off to bed big presentation tomorrow for work. Also, I kicked ass on my first project

Jan 12, 2023 11:52:44 PM Me

None of the logic makes sense to me. Maybe because I’m in it. What am I not seeing? Other than she wants a divorce?

Jan 12, 2023 11:54:48 PM Me

I mean the emotional and mental toll I took from all the rejection from her for years. I ALWAYS REPECTED HER WISHES no matter how hard up I was. Fuck, it makes no sense

Jan 12, 2023 11:57:04 PM Me

We’ve been married 22 years and together almost 30 and I’m all of a sudden just going to go off??? No, not happening and never did. Why would I hurt my wife when all I want to do is love her? Fuck I’m so sad 😭 crying writing all this

Jan 12, 2023 11:58:54 PM Me

Why do I feel this is being used as a way to make a divorce happen because she knows no other way? And her stare at me while I cry is empty of empathy or caring. It hurts a lot

Jan 13, 2023 8:46:06 AM (Read by you after 42 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Just getting re adjuste you new locale for 5 days - Budapest

Jan 13, 2023 8:46:22 AM (Read by you after 26 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

*To our new

Jan 13, 2023 8:46:34 AM (Read by you after 14 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Heading to the store for grocer

Jan 13, 2023 8:46:41 AM (Read by you after 7 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Groceries

Jan 13, 2023 8:46:58 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Been a bit of a whirlwind the past two days

Jan 13, 2023 8:47:26 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Cool. Just getting up here. Have a big presentation in 2 hours I’m prepping

Jan 13, 2023 8:47:49 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Some of what you wrote would be good to share in a session

Jan 13, 2023 8:47:53 AM Me

That brain dump all came at once last night. Hit me like a stone

Jan 13, 2023 8:48:20 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Focus on you presentation- I’ll be online later

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Jan 13, 2023 8:48:27 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

You can reply later.

Jan 13, 2023 8:49:13 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Once I have this presentation done it will be the end of a HARD work week for me. Hardest so far to add on top of the grief I’ve been feeling for my marriage.

Jan 13, 2023 8:49:42 AM Me

Ping me anytime after 11am PST, a little over 3 hours from now

Jan 14, 2023 12:34:25 PM Me

Depressed today. It’s raining

Jan 14, 2023 1:05:13 PM Me

Depressed about divorce. I don’t want it. I feel that this is the “bad times” we made a vow to be committed, and work thru it. However I think Liz is so invested in her story of events that nothing I say or do will matter. Her mind is made up and she is very stubborn. The unfairness of this, seeing I was clinically mentally ill, doesn’t excuse it. I get no chance of redemption? After 20+ years and all the rejection I tolerated for years while she was training? It feels fucking selfish to me honestly. She got what she needed out of me, watch the kids while she trains to make Kona. Kona’s done so she’s done with me now. I really cannot wait until tomorrow’s session. I plan to ask… Why could you not keep your promise of connecting with me every week, especially when we missed a week? This went on for years. Your rejection over and over began to convince me you didn’t care. This went on for years. Then it became like I was invisible here. Totally forgotten. I was a non priority, if that. You promised me and I quote, “believe me, when something’s wrong YOU WILL KNOW!” That never happened, explain?? I realize I should have spoken up. However I was of the mindset that I was giving her what she wanted for training and I didn't want to “ be a cry baby “ because I wasn't getting attention. I was ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. I wanted her to succeed and achieve a life goal. I kept thinking that when this is over (kona) well be able to connect again. But no, she's apparently done with me. What to do?????

Jan 15, 2023 5:42:20 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 33 minutes, 21 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

This needs to be shared with her in seeing

Jan 15, 2023 5:42:33 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 33 minutes, 8 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

*session

Jan 14, 2023 1:06:29 PM Me

I'm mad, depressed and sad all at once. Feeling terrible because I feel I'll end up getting a divorce and I don't deserve that.

Jan 14, 2023 1:07:15 PM Me

All the rejection and ignorance has to count for something?

Jan 14, 2023 1:17:31 PM Me

She's always gotten her way in our relationship since she started chasing Kona. Over the years she's become accustomed to always doing what SHE wants and having her way. She had me literally begging for her attention more than once over the years. We’ll my turn to get what I want.

Jan 14, 2023 1:19:17 PM Me

I don't know if we’ll bridge this. I'm concerned that she's been talking about her story in therapy and having it and her perspective of BEING RIGHT REINFORCED.

Jan 14, 2023 1:21:20 PM Me

I'm very mad with her therapist who promised me we would come back and talk, but never have. I want to contact her and ask why? She's allowing Liz to break more promises

Jan 15, 2023 5:58:35 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 17 minutes, 6 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Share this in counseling

Jan 15, 2023 10:16:44 AM ⇲ Me

Really? Why?

Jan 14, 2023 1:21:38 PM Me

What say you?

Jan 14, 2023 1:43:15 PM (Read by you after 39 minutes, 57 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Just got done with dinner after a day about the city and thermal pool

Jan 14, 2023 1:43:36 PM (Read by you after 39 minutes, 36 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Putting girls to bed. I will text read after

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Jan 14, 2023 2:01:20 PM (Read by you after 21 minutes, 52 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Last few from last night

Jan 14, 2023 2:01:31 PM (Read by you after 21 minutes, 41 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 14, 2023 3:00:03 PM Me

I asked Liz to dinner and got a “no thanks” back

Jan 14, 2023 3:03:46 PM Me

I don’t know how to be best in this particular situation. Do I continue to extend the olive branch? Or should I just lay low and not bother? I want to win her heart back and I’m feel lost on how best to do it

Jan 14, 2023 4:45:03 PM Me

Try to be completely objective, but do you think it is what she claims it is? You can yes I won’t be offended. I just feel like I’m going crazy and down and depression sink hole 🕳 Why does she not believe that I would never hurt her. For me that’s been since we met. I haven’t stopped a single second. And to be accused of this and have to leave my marriage and family for something I can’t understand. I basically sacrificed my marriage to triathlon and Kona?

Jan 15, 2023 11:08:21 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 29 minutes, 55 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling

Jan 14, 2023 4:46:15 PM Me

Someone needs to make this make sense. Right now it’s unclear

Jan 14, 2023 4:48:42 PM Me

As much as I look forward to telling my side of the experience, whenever that conflicts with hers, you lose. As if her side is gospel. Make it make sense. I’ve been a good person, a good husband, and a good father my while life why so I deserve this?

Jan 14, 2023 4:53:17 PM Me

Think of it this way. How many other times have I been rejected and done nothing? Dozens of not hundreds I would never dishonor my wife no matter what state of mind. Someone could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t do it. Yet that’s what I stand accused of. Why hasn’t time even begin to heal wounds? Im fine waiting as long as I have to in order to show her I’m worthy. I love her so goddamnd much this is SO HARD TO ENDURE. And I was on the Death Star for a while and came back. This is that level of intensity

Jan 14, 2023 4:55:24 PM Me

Anyhow, thank you for receiving and reading these diatribes I send you. You’re a good egg 🥚 for being so generous and compassionate I appreciate you

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Jan 14, 2023 6:03:23 PM Me

Tomorrow Oy

Jan 14, 2023 6:14:09 PM Me

Why on earth would I traumatize my wife after watching what my mother went through while I was getting it too. She put up with so much. Talking physical and emotional violence, breaking shit all over the house going on a rage fest. I would never bring that kind of suffering to those I love, least of all her

Jan 14, 2023 7:16:31 PM Me

I feel, while not perfect, I’ve been a good husband and father to our boys. I am human, and they make mistakes. I’m feeling compassion for others suffering and their inability to get beyond it. This past year I got past some suffering. I forgave my father for all his shit. I feel compassion for what he went thru being big brother to 5 little brothers and sisters at the age of 13 after your dad got sick and died. No one did counseling back then. He’s carried his demons all his life and to some degree still does. I think he’s got alot of unresolved issues he may not know about. My point being, after all he did to me, my mom, and Russ, all the suffering and lifetime of mental troubles he loaded us all with. I stopped being angry this past visit and finally saw a human being who has carried his demons all his life and never been able to take them on. It’s sad because my dad would have had a vastly different life if his father had lived, and I think that haunts him. I feel deep compassion and sadness for him. I also love him as a flawed human being - which is like us all.

Jan 14, 2023 7:25:32 PM Me

I feel deep compassion, sadness, and remorse, guilt and shame for causing Liz suffering. I in turn have unleashed a self hatred like no other while trying to find a way off the Death Star. My self inflicted suffering these past 18 months have been brutal. I’ve been back and there again in my mind so many times, each time focusing on another angle or perspective in my quest to understand just what I did to Liz. I feel that I’ve studied it well and truly understand it’s impact. I feel lucky that I can see and understand this. It truly makes me happy that I can look at something from all angles and take it all in. For the first time in my life last year I did find brief moments of peace where my mind was truly at meditative rest. Quite blissful and nice to visit.

Jan 14, 2023 7:25:55 PM Me

K stopping

Jan 14, 2023 9:30:40 PM Me

Your perspective before our session tomorrow would be great

Jan 15, 2023 5:42:20 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 33 minutes, 21 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

This needs to be shared with her in seeing
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 5:42:33 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 33 minutes, 8 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

*session
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 5:58:35 AM (Read by you after 4 hours, 17 minutes, 6 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Share this in counseling
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 10:16:44 AM ⇱ Me

Really? Why?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 10:34:30 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Perhaps your private counseling

Jan 15, 2023 10:35:29 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

What time is your session todo today

Jan 15, 2023 10:41:24 AM Me

2:45pm, 5 hours

Jan 15, 2023 10:41:29 AM Me

I’m nervous

Jan 15, 2023 10:46:39 AM Me

Just thinking that I’m grateful Liz is open to keep talking. Makes me think. If one were truly set on divorce would you waste time going thru motions of counseling? I don’t think I would, I’d be done. How can you be done when we’ve sat in counseling sessions 3 times in 30 years? That’s a sign of selfishness if you ask me

Jan 15, 2023 10:47:10 AM Me

It’s my way or the highway. My marriage in a sentence

Jan 15, 2023 10:48:30 AM Me

Although that may not be overtly the mantra someone is living by, it’s how I’ve felt for past 6-7 years

Jan 15, 2023 10:52:43 AM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 39 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Overall my suggestion is you have to advocate for yourself. Speak your truth.

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Jan 15, 2023 11:08:21 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 29 minutes, 55 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 12:39:46 PM Me

Thanks 🙏

Jan 15, 2023 12:42:57 PM Me

We’ll be done by 3:45pm PST I will let you know how it goes. Please please send good energy and mojo my way! I need all the good energy I can muster to be prepared and present without becoming emotionally a mess. Last time, our first time, I lost it when she wanted a divorce. The grief and anguish that swept over me I could not stop. Been processing the grief all week

Jan 15, 2023 12:43:50 PM Me

When she said she wanted… Hearing her say that put a sword 🗡 thru my heart 💔

Jan 15, 2023 12:44:53 PM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 29 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Did she give you any reasons? Did you state that you did not want a divorce?

Jan 15, 2023 12:50:01 PM ⇲ Me

Can’t remember if she said one, but July 4th came up and we’re going to talk thru that today. I guess we’ll each state our side of the story and then work through it. We’ve not done this and I regret passing on the chance when Liz took me to her therapist. She asked if we should talk thru it and I didn’t want to run Liz thru the trauma again. 😢

Jan 15, 2023 12:50:45 PM ⇲ Me

I clearly said my intention was to work through this and keep our marriage together.

Jan 15, 2023 12:52:07 PM ⇲ Me

I’m hopeful that somehow, someway she’ll truly and deeply show compassion, forgiveness, and mercy to me but that may never come and I’m fully aware

Jan 15, 2023 12:45:25 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 57 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I am sending lots of love and support

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Jan 15, 2023 12:50:01 PM ⇱ Me

Can’t remember if she said one, but July 4th came up and we’re going to talk thru that today. I guess we’ll each state our side of the story and then work through it. We’ve not done this and I regret passing on the chance when Liz took me to her therapist. She asked if we should talk thru it and I didn’t want to run Liz thru the trauma again. 😢
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 12:50:45 PM ⇱ Me

I clearly said my intention was to work through this and keep our marriage together.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 12:52:07 PM ⇱ Me

I’m hopeful that somehow, someway she’ll truly and deeply show compassion, forgiveness, and mercy to me but that may never come and I’m fully aware
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 15, 2023 12:54:02 PM Me

I feel this. I felt like Pluto orbiting from afar for a long time. All I wanted was to be noticed

Jan 15, 2023 1:20:00 PM Me

Just listened to this. Was good

Jan 15, 2023 1:20:02 PM Me

https://insig.ht/4fgiREBkCwb
Resting In Self Acceptance
By Fleur Chambers

Jan 15, 2023 1:26:41 PM Me

Just read the term “toxic loneliness” and that fits the last 5 years for me

Jan 15, 2023 1:41:11 PM Me

Important question!! Should I ask that we talk about how we got to July 4th, before talking about that night? I think without it there is no context to fully understanding the situation.

Jan 15, 2023 1:45:00 PM Me

We’re supposed to talk about that night. But for me context is everything. Rejection, begging for sex, and when it did happen I was asked “make it quick.” How’s that for a live life? Went on for years and I sucked it up. Didn’t want to seem weak and like a crybaby. In my mind I was helping Liz with Triathlon by demanding less from her. Well that didn’t work out

Jan 15, 2023 1:45:06 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’m not sure how you talk about the night without talking about the relationship before. This is a good question to ask the therapist

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Jan 15, 2023 1:48:19 PM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 47 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Men have been taught that talking about there feelings and needs is weakness. This universal belief is the cause of many broken relationships. Everyone feels, everyone has needs and speaking your truth is a strength not a weakness.

Jan 15, 2023 1:50:56 PM Me

Should I bring up the rejection and “make it quick” comment? Btw that was said a lot, not just once

Jan 15, 2023 1:50:56 PM Me

I will, right from the start. Won’t back down in that

Jan 15, 2023 1:50:57 PM Me

My only concern is that it could backfire. “See! He was so desperate he would do anything!” Line or some crap

Jan 15, 2023 1:51:12 PM Me

I will, right from the start. Won’t back down in that

Jan 15, 2023 1:55:46 PM (Read by you after 4 minutes, 2 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I don’t know if I would get into that. It does sound like you were justifying wanting intimacy. And desire intimacy is a normal feeling. Let the facts speak. Everything was status quo for a normal evening together, until you realized she was upset.

Jan 15, 2023 2:01:35 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

That is correct. I knew nothing of her state of mind until I could hear her upset after she moved the pillow she was holding on her head. Before that, it was like any other evening dozens of times before.

Jan 15, 2023 2:03:50 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

K, taking the boys to Starbucks. Coming back and getting some tasks done before our meeting @ 2:45. I will text you after the meeting.

Jan 15, 2023 4:53:34 PM Me

The session went well. We did not talk about that night because we got talking about other things from the start. I did most of the sharing today. The therapist asked if I was ok journaling my description of events that night. Apparently, Liz sent her something. I have no idea what.

Jan 15, 2023 4:54:36 PM Me

I’m ok journaling about it, but I wanted to ask you what to avoid. Should I journal and then send it your way to proofread?

Jan 16, 2023 1:29:15 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 8 minutes, 58 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Yes, you can send it my way first.

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Jan 15, 2023 10:02:50 PM Me

Upon reflection Laurie (therapists name) did keep asking me questions and did make a point to make sure I knew I was being heard. She was deferential to me in a way that stood out, I felt we focused on me 90% of the time. Anyhow something else stood out at the end. Laurie thanked Liz for showing such grace. I reread the definition and it’s the “act of showing kindness or compassion to someone who doesn’t deserve it.” I’m in the middle of this and think I’m making too much of it. The anxious mind is creating stories it’s trying to sell me on. Anyhow would welcome your opinion and feedback. Am i selfish? Truly and really am I that contemptible? Am I in a denial of some kind? because of my mental issues blocking me seeing it?

Jan 16, 2023 1:17:20 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 20 minutes, 53 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Don’t read too much into the grace thing. If Liz is feeling “violated” then from that point of view, her engagement with you could be considered grace. Selfish is an interesting word/belief that carries too much negative meanings. In truth by being selfish and honor ourselves we are better able to honor others. From my point of view you have been selfless in serving your family and Liz’s goals. Contemptible - to Liz right now perhaps. You would have to ask her. To your family, I don’t think so. To the world, no. Now them question that comes to mind… are you contemptible to yourself?

Jan 16, 2023 1:25:07 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 13 minutes, 6 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

As for denial about the evening - it seems you have gone over things as much as you can from your point of view. The only way you get a more complete perspective is to know how Liz experienced the evening.

Jan 16, 2023 1:28:24 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 9 minutes, 49 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Journal the facts and your feelings about them.

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Jan 16, 2023 2:43:04 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇲ Me

I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.

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Jan 15, 2023 10:15:21 PM Me

Feeling deep sadness

Jan 16, 2023 12:58:47 AM Me

Regarding “everything was status quo for a normal evening together,” it seemed like a regular night, but I was buzzed and wanted to connect with Liz. However, I also was severely depressed and not fun to be around. She had an aversion to me that feels like it’s now in cement. On the other hand, she was terrified of me despite knowing I wouldn’t hurt her. Sometimes when triggered, I can get emotional and raise my voice. If you remember my father, yes, I can be LOUD and come with a vibe like I’ll hurt you if you don’t listen to me.

Jan 16, 2023 1:17:20 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 20 minutes, 53 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Don’t read too much into the grace thing. If Liz is feeling “violated” then from that point of view, her engagement with you could be considered grace. Selfish is an interesting word/belief that carries too much negative meanings. In truth by being selfish and honor ourselves we are better able to honor others. From my point of view you have been selfless in serving your family and Liz’s goals. Contemptible - to Liz right now perhaps. You would have to ask her. To your family, I don’t think so. To the world, no. Now them question that comes to mind… are you contemptible to yourself?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 16, 2023 1:25:07 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 13 minutes, 6 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

As for denial about the evening - it seems you have gone over things as much as you can from your point of view. The only way you get a more complete perspective is to know how Liz experienced the evening.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 16, 2023 1:28:24 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 9 minutes, 49 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Journal the facts and your feelings about them.

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Jan 16, 2023 1:29:15 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 8 minutes, 58 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Yes, you can send it my way first.

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Jan 16, 2023 2:39:49 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Thanks. I’m still up but about to crash. Been up writing.

Jan 16, 2023 2:43:04 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇱ Me

I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.

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This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 16, 2023 10:28:05 AM Me

Awake and numb.

Jan 16, 2023 10:28:18 AM Me

Sick of being an outcast

Jan 16, 2023 10:28:38 AM Me

Have felt like one for a LONG time now

Jan 16, 2023 5:41:30 PM (Read by you after 22 minutes, 4 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 16, 2023 5:42:35 PM (Read by you after 20 minutes, 59 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

These are from two separate areas

Jan 16, 2023 5:42:57 PM (Read by you after 20 minutes, 37 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Off to bed - early train 🚊 tomorrow

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Jan 16, 2023 6:04:26 PM Me

Safe travels

Jan 17, 2023 2:47:44 PM (Read by you after 18 hours, 32 minutes, 37 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Jan 18, 2023 9:20:11 AM (Read by you after 10 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANYBODY SHIT INCLUDING MY CHILDREN

Jan 18, 2023 9:21:02 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Wut?

Jan 18, 2023 9:21:08 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Everything ok?

Jan 18, 2023 9:21:09 AM (Read by you after 2 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

This message is as triggered by a rude waiter and had nothing to do with children

Jan 18, 2023 9:21:19 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

K

Jan 18, 2023 9:21:31 AM (Read by you after 4 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Jan 18, 2023 9:21:40 AM Me

Where r u?

Jan 18, 2023 9:21:49 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

You went on train but to where?

Jan 18, 2023 9:21:55 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

That was just an emphasis

Jan 18, 2023 9:22:01 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Munich

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Jan 18, 2023 9:22:15 AM (Read by you after 2 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Jan 18, 2023 9:22:43 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Just getting started on work for today.

Jan 18, 2023 9:25:15 AM (Read by them after 7 seconds) Me

We won an EPIC soccer game yesterday. We dominated for over an hour, and then the other team scored on us. Losing 1-0 with 20 mins to go. Instead of hanging their heads the team kept working, kept creating chances. 10 minutes later we tied. The battle went on. Less than 2 mins left DARRAGH scores the game winner!! Was amazing moment of soccer joy, felt so good! Heres the final goal

Jan 18, 2023 9:25:16 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Wow - how quickly a bad attitude can shift things

Jan 18, 2023 9:25:27 AM Me

Boy do I know that

Jan 18, 2023 9:25:39 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Everyone is suddenly on edge including me

Jan 18, 2023 9:25:54 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Time to shift that shift

Jan 18, 2023 9:25:58 AM Me

It bleeds out and affects everyone. That happens to me

Jan 18, 2023 9:26:10 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I have to be careful about “leaking”

Jan 18, 2023 9:26:43 AM (Read by you after 28 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Yes and no Each of us is equipped not to accept it

Jan 18, 2023 9:27:05 AM (Read by you after 6 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

But the programming runs deep

Jan 18, 2023 9:27:11 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

😤

Jan 18, 2023 9:27:15 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

🥺

Jan 18, 2023 9:27:16 AM Me

Yep

Jan 18, 2023 9:27:20 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

😀

Jan 18, 2023 9:27:24 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

haha

Jan 18, 2023 9:27:31 AM Me

Yeah that’s the cycle

Jan 19, 2023 10:59:25 PM (Read by you after 32 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Trip Back

Jan 19, 2023 10:59:58 PM Me

where u headed?

Jan 20, 2023 8:05:29 AM (Read by you after 25 minutes, 42 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Colorado

Jan 20, 2023 8:33:26 AM Me

Oh WOW. Headed back already? Thought you’d be over there longer.

Jan 20, 2023 8:33:49 AM Me

Why sudden change?

Jan 20, 2023 9:02:39 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Mostly for the kids - we have been talking about it for about a month - I wanted to push on. But budget, language barriers for kids meeting kids. Willow is not getting enough traditional “education”. Decision fatigue- where do we go, car - no car etc.

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Jan 20, 2023 9:04:14 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

It was a hard decision for me. The value of traveling to new areas is priceless however there is a cost to “normal” life. Stability.

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Jan 20, 2023 9:05:24 AM Me

You stateside now?

Jan 20, 2023 9:05:36 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Yes

Jan 20, 2023 9:05:42 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Arrived last night

Jan 20, 2023 9:06:16 AM Me

Oh wow. Back in Longmont with Tree and your Mom?

Jan 20, 2023 9:07:03 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

At Tree for a day or two. Our car is at a friends but she cut has Covid. So we need to wait to pick it up

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Jan 20, 2023 9:07:15 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Meme does not know we are back.

Jan 20, 2023 9:07:21 AM Me

Oh wow

Jan 20, 2023 9:07:36 AM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 9 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Surprise her today

Jan 20, 2023 9:09:24 AM (Read by you after 21 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Still a bit unsettled with coming back. We do need to regroup and figure out the plans for what’s next. In a way some clarity was gained. More for Sarah than me.

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Jan 20, 2023 9:10:32 AM Me

Did u already have a return plan? What u we’re going to do when u got back?

Jan 20, 2023 9:12:42 AM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Not a solid plan. 1. Move to Steamboat for 6 months or year to make sure it’s a good permanent place. 2. Build new in this area. To have close proximity to family. 3. Remodel current house.

Jan 20, 2023 9:10:42 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I feel an opportunity was given up and yet I know the stress it was creating for all. Willow would meet new friends, bond and then we would move on it they would.

Jan 20, 2023 9:12:42 AM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Not a solid plan. 1. Move to Steamboat for 6 months or year to make sure it’s a good permanent place. 2. Build new in this area. To have close proximity to family. 3. Remodel current house.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 20, 2023 9:41:38 AM (Read by you after 7 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

We only had 90 days in Shengen area (most of Europe) so we had to go somewhere. Areas on the list were either were pushing cultural shock barriers, gloomy (UK Ireland) price prohibitive.

Jan 20, 2023 9:59:19 AM Me

Glad you’re all back safe 😁

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Jan 20, 2023 10:00:26 AM Me

Imagine u may feel sad, happy and overwhelmed all at once

Jan 20, 2023 10:00:46 AM Me

And maybe some relief

Jan 20, 2023 10:01:23 AM Me

Don’t be surprised if you find your emotions all over the place this next week or two while you’re adjusting to being back here

Jan 20, 2023 10:09:13 AM (Read by you after 18 minutes, 39 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Have been sensing some of that as we prepared to return. A feeling of we did not also what we set out to do. Definitely relieve as I am in a comfortable environment with very little unknowns

Jan 20, 2023 10:01:35 AM Me

As you know, awareness is the key

Jan 20, 2023 10:02:25 AM Me

I’m here 😁

Jan 20, 2023 10:03:41 AM Me

I am currently journaling the facts, as I see them from that Evening with Liz. Once I’m finished drafting, I would like to share with you and get your objective review.

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Jan 20, 2023 10:09:13 AM (Read by you after 18 minutes, 39 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Have been sensing some of that as we prepared to return. A feeling of we did not also what we set out to do. Definitely relieve as I am in a comfortable environment with very little unknowns
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 21, 2023 12:01:45 AM Me

Sometimes I just wanna say fuckit I’m out. And just disappear 🫥

Jan 21, 2023 12:03:26 AM Me

All interactions are unwanted and strained. She’s so checked out on me. I’ve never felt more invisible 🫥

Jan 21, 2023 12:04:15 AM Me

Feel like I have a better chance at winning powerball than keeping my marriage alive

Jan 21, 2023 11:50:08 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

FYI Darragh has a home game at 12 noon pacific, 3pm eastern. Playing ‘Bishop Diego” Darragh is starting center forward It will be streaming.

Jan 21, 2023 11:50:08 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

https://events.locallive.tv/events/101795

Jan 21, 2023 12:02:58 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 10 minutes, 12 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Awesome- we will catch some of it. Proud Papa Moment!

Jan 21, 2023 1:49:36 PM (Read by you after 23 minutes, 34 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Just turned it on - assumyotd the half right now. What’s the score

Jan 21, 2023 2:13:13 PM Me

0-0

Jan 21, 2023 2:13:18 PM Me

We’re green

Jan 21, 2023 3:55:39 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Did you win - I watch one Thacher goal

Jan 21, 2023 3:56:37 PM Me

3-0 yes!

Jan 21, 2023 3:57:00 PM (Read by you after 11 minutes, 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

😀

Jan 21, 2023 4:09:17 PM Me

Back home. Time to chill. Coaching takes more out of me than I expect

Jan 22, 2023 10:46:08 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

This spoke to me.

Jan 22, 2023 10:46:09 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

SoundCloud
David Whyte reads his poem "The Truelove"
Kindly recorded for Brain Pickings. Poem text and context: https://www.brainpickings.org/2021/07/26/david-whyte-the-truelove

Jan 22, 2023 10:46:40 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

The Marginalian
The Truelove: Poet and Philosopher David Whyte on Reaching Beyond Our Limiting Beliefs About the Love We Deserve
“if you wanted to drown you could, but you don’t because finally after all this struggle and all these years you simply don’t want to any more, you’ve simply had enough of drowning and you wa…

Jan 22, 2023 3:43:17 PM Me

Hey you around tonight?? I ask, because I will have my journaling ready for the therapist. And I would like you to give it To you so that you can give it an objective review and make sure I am not putting my mouth in my foot

Jan 22, 2023 3:43:32 PM Me

Foot in mouth

Jan 22, 2023 3:48:08 PM (Read by you after 14 minutes, 55 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Yes

Jan 22, 2023 4:03:14 PM Me

Cool 😎 thanks

Jan 22, 2023 8:09:32 PM (Read by you after 14 hours, 32 minutes, 29 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Been a fan of David for years. I have a great version of him reading wild geese somewhere. I had not heard this poem before. I like it.

Jan 23, 2023 10:47:33 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Good morning! I hope you’re adjusting your circadian rhythm to get in sync with the days. How are you doing and feeling? Is anything coming up for you? Imagine you have a system to process this through the Warrior program. Not being nosy so much as I care that you’re doing ok. Have not finalized my document yet. It was draining writing the first draft and I’ve avoided opening the file and finishing it. It’s painful to read. I feel a great deal of shame and guilt for falling so low as to hurt my family. This upcoming Wednesday I am very nervous for the session. Once I send this document the therapist will reconcile my account with hers and then< I guess, we’ll discuss where we differ in our perception and story of what happened. To say that Wednesday has the potential to shape the rest of my life, I feel, is an accurate take. Let me know if I’m off base here. I am, after all, INSIDE the fire, not an observer.

Jan 23, 2023 10:58:22 AM (Read by you after 37 minutes, 22 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Rhythm is 80% adjusted Mostly I’m not happy we came back However there are many good reason to be back. We had to leave shengen and the stress of moving around a bunch compounds. There is a certain level normalcy that happens. And the anxiety of being in a foreign land lessens. However, the daily stresses of family hood increase

Jan 23, 2023 11:02:46 AM (Read by you after 32 minutes, 58 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Wednesday pulls back the curtain. Your life has been reshaping over the past years. However a huge part was in the dark. You will have better vision to see where you want it to go.

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Jan 23, 2023 11:36:40 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

What is shengen? That’s china, but you weren’t in china, were you?

Jan 23, 2023 11:55:43 AM (Read by you after 3 hours, 3 minutes, 40 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Europe has an agreement about non resident travel

Jan 23, 2023 11:56:48 AM (Read by you after 3 hours, 2 minutes, 35 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

SchengenVisaInfo.com
The Schengen Agreement - History and the Definition
The Schengen Agreement signed on June 14, 1985, is a treaty that led most of the European countries towards the abolishment of their national borders, to build a Europe without borders known as the “Schengen Area”.

Jan 24, 2023 10:36:45 AM (Read by them after 4 seconds) Me

Same here, is this where to text you? Or the other place I did before Europe?

Jan 24, 2023 11:13:35 AM (Read by you after 19 minutes, 28 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Here

Jan 24, 2023 11:13:47 AM (Read by you after 19 minutes, 16 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Email the link

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Jan 24, 2023 11:33:23 AM Me

In meetings, will send shortly, in about an hour or so

Jan 24, 2023 4:27:01 PM (Read by them after 3 minutes) Me

Just emailed you links to my google document I’m going to send to our couples therapist.

Jan 24, 2023 4:27:12 PM (Read by them after 2 minutes, 49 seconds) Me

I gave her ALOT of context before my bullet points.

Jan 24, 2023 4:27:31 PM (Read by them after 2 minutes, 30 seconds) Me

I’m off to soccer practice and back online around 6pm pacific.

Jan 24, 2023 4:27:41 PM (Read by them after 2 minutes, 20 seconds) Me

Grateful for your help on this!!!!!

Jan 24, 2023 4:47:11 PM Me

I know I likely have too much, or have things that shouldn't be included

Jan 24, 2023 4:52:29 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 43 minutes, 59 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’ll read it when I get back to house in about an hour

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Jan 24, 2023 7:31:07 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Let’s talk before you send this

Jan 24, 2023 7:31:30 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I have to do a few things but can talk in about 1 hour

Jan 24, 2023 9:23:18 PM Me

Hey there

Jan 24, 2023 9:28:34 PM Me

I can talk

Jan 24, 2023 9:28:55 PM Me

Let me know. Anxious to send this

Jan 24, 2023 9:30:34 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Calling

Jan 24, 2023 9:32:52 PM Me

Crap

Jan 24, 2023 9:32:59 PM Me

I stepped away for a second

Jan 25, 2023 10:58:57 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I have this now. I started using Notion when I started at Hatch. I’m still on the learning curve, but the fact that AI is now in the product 🤯

Jan 25, 2023 10:58:59 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

YouTube
Introducing Notion AI
Notion AI brings the full power of artificial intelligence into your Notion workspace. Now in private alpha. Join the waitlist to be first to try at https://...

Jan 25, 2023 10:59:25 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

You might like Notion and the idea of a Second Brain. Heard of Tiago Forte?

Jan 25, 2023 8:20:17 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Going into session

Jan 25, 2023 8:20:28 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Think good thoughts 😊

Jan 25, 2023 9:39:58 PM Me

I'm so fucking sad

Jan 25, 2023 9:44:16 PM Me

Hey, think I may be coming your way

Jan 25, 2023 9:44:59 PM Me

Looks like this is going to happen, the split that is

Jan 25, 2023 9:48:02 PM Me

Honestly I dont want to go on. This was not part of my life pkan

Jan 25, 2023 9:50:25 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Did you get answers or insight on Liz’s story of the night

Jan 25, 2023 9:50:33 PM Me

Things are so fucked up in my head right now

Jan 25, 2023 9:51:28 PM Me

Yeah, apparently nothing of what I said happened. Liz is saying I was too wasted to remember the details

Jan 25, 2023 9:55:03 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 4 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Ok then, what did happen? Has she told you her memory of the night?

Jan 25, 2023 9:51:42 PM Me

She's done

Jan 25, 2023 9:51:56 PM Me

Im so fucking 😡

Jan 25, 2023 9:52:30 PM Me

“Shes made her decision” Ok, what the fuck about me

Jan 25, 2023 9:52:54 PM Me

Brought up the vows

Jan 25, 2023 9:53:11 PM Me

It didn't go his I wanted

Jan 25, 2023 9:53:25 PM Me

I got emotional and upset

Jan 25, 2023 9:53:38 PM Me

I said one and done

Jan 25, 2023 9:53:48 PM Me

It's just so unfaiur

Jan 25, 2023 9:54:04 PM Me

Feel like I'm being discarded like trash

Jan 25, 2023 9:55:03 PM (Read by you after 1 minute, 4 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Ok then, what did happen? Has she told you her memory of the night?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 25, 2023 9:56:11 PM Me

No

Jan 25, 2023 9:56:51 PM Me

Just that they're different. She said there was no music when I know I turned it on

Jan 25, 2023 9:57:01 PM Me

Lots of little tho gs

Jan 25, 2023 9:57:04 PM Me

Things

Jan 25, 2023 9:57:37 PM Me

Why can’t her level of stress caused her to ask you her recollection of what happened, apparently she was so fucking afraid she couldn’t stop me because she was afraid I’d slip out or something. Then what the fuck does it mean? When you say you know, I won’t hurt you. None of this makes fucking sense.

Jan 25, 2023 9:59:50 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Restate the above - I’m not following the beginning sentence

Jan 25, 2023 10:00:30 PM Me

I’m saying that if my drinking can cause me not to remember things clearly, why can’t her level of stress and trauma cause her to miss remember things

Jan 25, 2023 10:00:44 PM Me

Make them out to be more than they are let’s say

Jan 25, 2023 10:00:58 PM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good question

Jan 25, 2023 10:01:09 PM Me

And honestly, I’m really fucking mad at how selfish she is

Jan 25, 2023 10:01:44 PM Me

I said in the session that I feel like I’m being checked away after you got what you needed out of me. You got to Kona, so don’t need you anymore.

Jan 25, 2023 10:02:23 PM Me

She brought up some thing about her supporting me while I’ve been a freelancer all these years and she’s put the roof over our head, etc. I don’t know what the hell that has to do with any of this

Jan 25, 2023 10:03:17 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Your hearing some of her frustrations of the past coming to the surface

Jan 25, 2023 10:03:19 PM Me

Like, is that supposed to give you special privileges?

Jan 25, 2023 10:04:23 PM Me

I keep being asked if I hear what she said. If I hear her saying she is done. Yes, and I think knowledged and conversation. The next session I’m going to ask does she hear me saying no

Jan 25, 2023 10:07:36 PM ⇲ Me

Do i hear her saying divorce

Jan 25, 2023 10:04:50 PM Me

I don’t think she realizes I’m going to take half of her retirement account away from her

Jan 25, 2023 10:05:10 PM Me

I don’t have any retirement and in California you split assets and that’s the only thing we have

Jan 25, 2023 10:05:48 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Slow down a bit

Jan 25, 2023 10:05:54 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Let’s back up

Jan 25, 2023 10:07:11 PM Me

K

Jan 25, 2023 10:07:36 PM ⇱ Me

Do i hear her saying divorce
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 25, 2023 10:08:41 PM Me

i acknowleged it in session. And said well I say no and thats what I want. I want to honor my vows

Jan 25, 2023 10:08:41 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Liz believes you violated her. She has not told you exactly how you did this.

Jan 25, 2023 10:08:57 PM ⇲ Me

sexual assault

Jan 25, 2023 10:08:57 PM ⇱ Me

sexual assault
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 25, 2023 10:09:24 PM Me

she says she said no and i did it anyway

Jan 25, 2023 10:09:35 PM Me

there was no force used

Jan 25, 2023 10:10:18 PM Me

Next session I’m going to ask what force or physical constraint was used, did I use?

Jan 25, 2023 10:10:31 PM Me

Since I apparently don’t know what the hell I did tell me

Jan 25, 2023 10:11:36 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Whether or not it has basis in facts it is her truth

Jan 25, 2023 10:11:36 PM Me

Therapist said I could email her to talk

Jan 25, 2023 10:11:54 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Email the therapist?

Jan 25, 2023 10:12:26 PM Me

And she keeps bringing up how she said she would find me standing next to her, while she was in bed sort of hovering over her. She said it freaked her out. She never told me she knew I was doing that, but I was standing there every time, feeling incredibly sad that I could not connect with her, and I wanted nothing more than just to lay down in the hunger but I couldn’t. I don’t think she heard it or believe me.

Jan 25, 2023 10:13:13 PM Me

She never asked me what I was doing, never said it freaked her out, and just went with what she made up in your head. Yet when I tell her what I was really doing, it just doesn’t seem to matter.

Jan 25, 2023 10:13:54 PM Me

That’s what I’m slowly realizing is that nothing I say matters. It makes me feel like I don’t fucking matter, and that’s what depression was trying to tell me.

Jan 25, 2023 10:14:17 PM Me

Being dead would be easier than this

Jan 25, 2023 10:14:42 PM (Read by you after 11 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

For who?

Jan 25, 2023 10:14:58 PM Me

Me

Jan 25, 2023 10:15:10 PM Me

I'm just so done

Jan 25, 2023 10:15:28 PM Me

Burned out, tired and unloved

Jan 25, 2023 10:16:27 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Her not wanting to hear you is not a reflection of whether you matter.

Jan 25, 2023 10:17:12 PM Me

The feelings are, what’s generating the “not matter“

Jan 25, 2023 10:18:23 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Do you want to stay married?

Jan 25, 2023 10:20:12 PM Me

I do so very much I love her unconditionally

Jan 25, 2023 10:20:31 PM Me

I've given so much

Jan 25, 2023 10:22:35 PM Me

I don't want to start my life over. I want to be grandparents together

Jan 25, 2023 10:23:20 PM Me

Why is there no mercy???? 😭😭

Jan 25, 2023 10:23:42 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to repair the relationship?

Jan 25, 2023 10:25:17 PM Me

Yes, but no matter the offer she will reject it

Jan 25, 2023 10:25:44 PM Me

She's dug in. There is no empathy or compassion

Jan 25, 2023 10:26:34 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Well the good news is you know where you are starting from

Jan 25, 2023 10:26:45 PM Me

Honestly it's not the woman I married

Jan 25, 2023 10:27:20 PM Me

Someone's convinced her of something. Maybe herself

Jan 25, 2023 10:27:23 PM Me

Anyhow

Jan 25, 2023 10:27:47 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

To get from there to where you want to go may take time and may have many obstacles

Jan 25, 2023 10:28:11 PM ⇲ Me

Like divorcing?

Jan 25, 2023 10:27:49 PM Me

I'll let u go. No sense raking myself over the coals

Jan 25, 2023 10:28:11 PM ⇱ Me

Like divorcing?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 25, 2023 10:29:04 PM Me

Lets talk tomorrow if u have tome

Jan 25, 2023 10:29:16 PM Me

ill let u go, its late there

Jan 25, 2023 10:30:24 PM Me

i have to distract myself then cry myself to sleep

Jan 25, 2023 10:30:33 PM Me

😭😁

Jan 25, 2023 10:31:06 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

For clarity What I am saying is if you want to stay married and she is wanting divorce then the path to a good marriage may take time and have a few bumps

Jan 25, 2023 10:31:52 PM Me

I saidi was going to disaapeear adter divorce. Wont hear from me again

Jan 25, 2023 10:32:21 PM Me

divorce is the ultimate rejection

Jan 25, 2023 10:32:28 PM Me

cant do anymore

Jan 25, 2023 10:32:40 PM Me

thats why i will die alone

Jan 25, 2023 10:32:53 PM Me

ill never date or put myself out there

Jan 25, 2023 10:33:12 PM Me

only to get crushed

Jan 25, 2023 10:33:39 PM Me

im going to become a bad hermit

Jan 25, 2023 10:34:08 PM Me

no family, no life, no reason to care

Jan 25, 2023 10:34:57 PM Me

truly dont want to go dating and all that shit. Will feel wrong and uncomfortable

Jan 25, 2023 10:35:27 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

You are painting a picture from a place of feeling hurt. Paint away, then rip it up and paint a new one. Do this as many times as needed until the painting is one that is happy and fulfilling

Jan 25, 2023 10:36:43 PM Me

Come on it’s such a shit life to look forward to no matter how many times I paint it. It's sad everytime and I know myself well enough now that I can predict how it will be for me

Jan 25, 2023 10:37:12 PM Me

No future, no future, no future for you

Jan 25, 2023 10:37:43 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

No giving up if you want to reconcile your relationship and stay with her

Jan 25, 2023 10:37:44 PM Me

I don't know anymore

Jan 25, 2023 10:38:38 PM Me

Now this is feeling real and I dont like how that feels. It's going to put me in a darker place than before

Jan 25, 2023 10:38:51 PM Me

I can already feel it

Jan 25, 2023 10:39:28 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

You have the tools and time under pressure to shift out of the darkness

Jan 25, 2023 10:39:37 PM Me

Better off dead 💀 is more than a movie to me

Jan 25, 2023 10:40:12 PM Me

I just feel things incredibly intensely

Jan 25, 2023 10:40:26 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Allow the feelings to come and go. Don’t create stories.

Jan 25, 2023 10:40:34 PM Me

Any emotional experience is always really intense when it’s true

Jan 25, 2023 10:41:14 PM Me

Today is ending exactly how I didn’t want it to

Jan 25, 2023 10:42:25 PM Me

I won't lie I'm scared

Jan 25, 2023 10:43:02 PM Me

Like when I was a kid, terror

Jan 25, 2023 10:43:14 PM Me

It's intense

Jan 25, 2023 10:43:34 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I know you are not seeing it right now, but you are moving through the darkness to a brighter time

Jan 25, 2023 10:44:16 PM ⇲ Me

That’s where I was a year ago, there is no bright time coming

Jan 25, 2023 10:44:30 PM ⇲ Me

Life isn’t fair and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings

Jan 25, 2023 10:43:36 PM Me

Been crying non stop for over an hour

Jan 25, 2023 10:44:16 PM ⇱ Me

That’s where I was a year ago, there is no bright time coming
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 25, 2023 10:44:30 PM ⇱ Me

Life isn’t fair and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 25, 2023 10:45:10 PM Me

It doesn’t give a shit how hard you worked or how good a person you are, or how hard you try to do the right thing, in the end you get fucked over

Jan 25, 2023 10:45:35 PM Me

This is so incredibly unfair

Jan 25, 2023 10:45:46 PM Me

K good night

Jan 25, 2023 10:46:02 PM Me

We can try to talk tomorrow, but I’ll leave you alone now I spoke to you enough

Jan 25, 2023 10:46:22 PM Me

I’m good I’m just in a puddle of tears

Jan 25, 2023 10:48:30 PM Me

Just being alone aucks and that's where I'm headed for the rest of my life

Jan 25, 2023 10:49:21 PM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

This is a lie. Don’t believe it

Jan 25, 2023 10:48:36 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I love you. Feel me giving you a big hug.

Jan 25, 2023 10:48:52 PM Me

I can't do his anymore

Jan 25, 2023 10:49:18 PM Me

I have developed some weird thing where I don’t like that kind of touching anymore. I don’t know why because I used to like it a lot

Jan 25, 2023 10:49:21 PM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

This is a lie. Don’t believe it
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 25, 2023 10:50:57 PM Me

I think I developed it over the past five years from being rejected so much

Jan 25, 2023 10:51:29 PM Me

I just got a note back from my therapist and she’s a really nice thing. Made me feel better

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Jan 25, 2023 10:52:38 PM Me

Said a nice thing

Jan 25, 2023 10:52:53 PM Me

All she did was acknowledge me

Jan 25, 2023 10:53:01 PM Me

And I'm crying

Jan 25, 2023 10:54:12 PM Me

K let me know if u have 20mins she sometime tomorrow

Jan 25, 2023 10:54:51 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’ll hear all day. Text me when you wake up?

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Jan 25, 2023 10:55:48 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I am here all day - not sure what auto text does sometimes

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Laughed by Me

Jan 25, 2023 10:56:01 PM Me

I know that

Jan 25, 2023 10:56:07 PM Me

good night

Jan 25, 2023 10:56:15 PM Me

and thsnjs!!!

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Jan 25, 2023 10:56:28 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Always

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Jan 25, 2023 10:56:36 PM Me

Thanks

Jan 25, 2023 10:56:38 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

😴

Jan 26, 2023 1:30:54 AM Me

Note I left in the hallway

Jan 26, 2023 1:39:45 AM Me

Jan 26, 2023 1:40:12 AM Me

Left on her computer

Jan 26, 2023 2:26:05 AM Me

Just getting to sleep now. I did a lot of writing tonight

Jan 26, 2023 7:00:24 AM Me

I'm awake and trying to get more sleep. Woke up to a dream where Liz was dating some rich guy currently and not saying anything. when I wake up hopefully in a few hours, I was going to ask her if she is currently dating or seeing someone. Should I ask that question? I feel like I should, and that she should tell me and be honest. She went to a new Fancy restaurant in Ojai this past week and spent the night in town. She said she was staying at Joanna‘s, but I don’t know if that is the truth.

Jan 26, 2023 7:00:51 AM Me

Am I just making up stories and shit in my mind, or should I ask her, or if I do in my looking like a crazy bastard?

Jan 26, 2023 7:06:45 AM Me

Why am I being punished so harshly? Why do I feel I shouldn't be punished? I'm having an incredibly hard time accepting what is happening

Jan 26, 2023 7:07:40 AM Me

I'm being punished for being a vulnerable human being. That’s what it feels like to me.

Jan 26, 2023 7:08:38 AM Me

And one that has mental illness and has struggled with it. The thing is I feel in past it meaning I’ve gotten beyond my own issues, and I have excepted myself, yet my relationship is going to die and I don’t want it to.

Jan 26, 2023 8:41:28 AM Me

Ugh, time to get up. The Lord didn't take me while I slept and wish he would

Jan 26, 2023 8:57:39 AM (Read by you after 21 minutes, 43 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good morning

Jan 26, 2023 8:57:52 AM (Read by you after 21 minutes, 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

What time does your workday start?

Jan 26, 2023 9:19:33 AM Me

Lots of anger and rage this am

Jan 26, 2023 9:19:45 AM Me

First meeting at 10am

Jan 26, 2023 9:42:02 AM Me

Yo

Jan 26, 2023 9:48:34 AM Me

Incredibly tough night sleeping. Got 4-5 hours and woke up in the middle

Jan 26, 2023 9:48:38 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Journal it away

Jan 26, 2023 9:48:51 AM Me

I wrote a lot last night

Jan 26, 2023 9:49:01 AM Me

Stream of consciousness

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Jan 26, 2023 9:49:04 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

The anger and rage - there are diamonds 💎 to be found

Jan 26, 2023 9:49:32 AM Me

I’m just so incredibly upset with the amount of selfishness, I’m running into

Jan 26, 2023 9:50:41 AM Me

All take and no give from her on many levels not all

Jan 26, 2023 9:50:57 AM Me

I've said that to her too

Jan 26, 2023 9:51:59 AM Me

Also told her to start treating me like a normal person. I’m done with her treating me like I’m some kind of fucking criminal. I said to call the fucking cops so either let go of the idea that I’m a criminal or dial them up

Jan 26, 2023 9:52:30 AM Me

In last night’s session, it suddenly dawned on me, that I need to speak my mind, and stand behind my statements

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Jan 26, 2023 9:52:40 AM Me

And not back the fuck down

Jan 26, 2023 9:53:05 AM Me

I even said it in the session that my entire life I’ve lived a diss, regulated and fucked up, and now I’m not so get used to it

Jan 26, 2023 9:53:34 AM Me

My dysregulation inhibited me from expressing myself. It was the borderline personality disorder telling me I’m not worth it you’re not worth it, so just shut up and keep your opinions to yourself.

Jan 26, 2023 9:53:50 AM Me

Let me be clear express myself verbally

Jan 26, 2023 9:54:18 AM Me

Oh, and last night my therapist told me that I was raw, vulnerable, courageous

Jan 26, 2023 9:54:35 AM Me

It felt like the first truly authentic compliment I’ve gotten in a long time

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Jan 26, 2023 9:55:24 AM Me

What I can’t stand today is that cheers keep coming out of my eyes just falling and I’m not really crying. It’s just water coming out of my eyes nonstop

Jan 26, 2023 9:55:34 AM Me

Tears not cheers

Jan 26, 2023 9:55:40 AM Me

Wish it was tho

Jan 26, 2023 9:56:17 AM Me

And I think I may have been crying in my sleep, because my eyes are incredibly red, swollen and sensitive to the touch, my right eye is almost swollen shut

Jan 26, 2023 9:56:59 AM Me

What's a 1 bedroom apt go for out there?

Jan 26, 2023 9:57:18 AM Me

Longmont or steamboat

Jan 26, 2023 10:03:23 AM Me

Today is hard won't lie

Jan 26, 2023 10:05:19 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Not sure about a one bedroom Two bedrooms Longmont-2k Steamboat - 3k

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Jan 26, 2023 10:10:32 AM Me

Thinking back to last night it felt like my entire recollection of events was discarded like I remember nothing. She just says “that's not what happened, you don't remember you were wasted.” and never says WHAT DID HAPPEN. I've never heard her detailed story and I'm entitled to hear it. She believes her interpretation is unflawed and cannot be challenged. For example, she says there was no music on yet I remember fumbling with the remote to get it turned on. She says I'm wrong and that's it, done. Where do u go with that? She also has not answered me on the pillow.

Jan 26, 2023 10:20:51 AM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Add this to the top of your list for next session. You accuse me of assaulting you. You say my recollection is wrong. What is your recollection of the evening?

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Jan 26, 2023 10:26:26 AM ⇲ Me

Did I restrain you? Was I forceful? Did I hit you? Did I yell? Was I angry or ragefull? Tell me what I was doing since I don’t remember

Jan 26, 2023 10:32:52 AM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Don’t lead the answer with questions of this nature. Ask for her account of the evening. Then let her speak. Don’t interrupt. Stay present and calm.

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Jan 26, 2023 10:17:45 AM Me

I said last night that I would never throw away my marriage and do something like that sober or wasted. How many other times, I can think of being wasted and wanting and being rejected and going away. This time I persisted and she didn’t stop me. In the past she has stopped me even after pestering. What do I do with that? I told her I’ve always respected her and never dishonored her and always have done what she has wanted. I’ve never not given her what she has wanted. So why this one time 30 years into our relationship I’m suddenly going to commit an act of violence against her? That’s just impossible for me to digest. I was not blacked out, I was buzzed but conscious and remember what I was doing. She didn’t move, get up, or make a sound (she’s holding pillow on the head)

Jan 26, 2023 10:19:08 AM Me

Once my senses picked up on her distress I was next to her asking what’s wrong.

Jan 26, 2023 10:19:30 AM Me

I’ve said these things to you so many times you know the story

Jan 26, 2023 10:19:48 AM Me

Ok, logging into computer and going to work

Jan 26, 2023 10:20:28 AM Me

Darragh has a very important soccer game today, it’s a home game kick off at 3 o’clock and will be streamed online. You will see me there with my straw hat on if you watch. I know you can see me because my parents see me on the sideline all the time during the game.

Jan 26, 2023 10:20:43 AM Me

My mom said she could hear me laughing

Jan 26, 2023 10:20:51 AM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Add this to the top of your list for next session. You accuse me of assaulting you. You say my recollection is wrong. What is your recollection of the evening?

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This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 26, 2023 10:21:28 AM Me

Yes

Jan 26, 2023 10:21:45 AM Me

I’ll be online until about 2 PM Pacific then head to the soccer field

Jan 26, 2023 10:22:07 AM Me

If the team wins this game, we are a lock for playoffs. And we put ourselves in a good place for possibly winning the league.

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Jan 26, 2023 10:22:41 AM Me

As the BRITs say “it should be a cracker!”

Jan 26, 2023 10:26:26 AM ⇱ Me

Did I restrain you? Was I forceful? Did I hit you? Did I yell? Was I angry or ragefull? Tell me what I was doing since I don’t remember
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 26, 2023 10:27:08 AM Me

Spot on. If I’m being accused of this, I want to know in detail what I am being accused of doing.

Jan 26, 2023 10:33:35 AM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Seems a fair request

Jan 26, 2023 10:32:52 AM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Don’t lead the answer with questions of this nature. Ask for her account of the evening. Then let her speak. Don’t interrupt. Stay present and calm.

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This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 26, 2023 10:33:31 AM Me

I need an earpiece with you talking to me in it while I’m in session so you can coach me real time, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

Jan 26, 2023 10:33:35 AM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Seems a fair request
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 26, 2023 10:34:17 AM Me

Right because right now it’s just a vague “blanket”

Jan 26, 2023 10:34:28 AM Me

I want details

Jan 26, 2023 10:35:29 AM Me

For example she shared something to do with the timing of things and it conflicted. I was told I was wrong, and move on.

Jan 26, 2023 10:36:20 AM Me

Simply put right now I don’t understand the details of the account or accusations

Jan 26, 2023 10:36:42 AM Me

Of her account or accusations

Jan 26, 2023 10:37:10 AM Me

And that is what’s triggering me MASSIVELY

Jan 26, 2023 10:37:35 AM Me

lots of triggers in this it’s like a mine field

Jan 26, 2023 10:38:55 AM (Read by you after 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Take note if the triggers- write them down- do the(meditate, journal, other tools) work later to unlock the insights

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Jan 26, 2023 10:39:38 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Take a few minutes to set this aside, shower or walk and prepare for your work day.

Jan 26, 2023 10:40:13 AM Me

Tomorrow, I have 20 mins until first meeting😄

Jan 26, 2023 10:40:53 AM Me

I actually chatted my colleague and told him I didn’t get much sleep and he was so kind and empathetic. He told me to take the day off and rest, can you believe that? Well, I’m behind on things, so I’m going to push through.

Jan 26, 2023 10:41:34 AM Me

I thanked him for his kindness, but said I need to get through the project time on, and I will see him in the meetings

Jan 26, 2023 11:38:33 AM Me

Going on a walk now.

Jan 26, 2023 12:58:22 PM Me

If you have time to meditate today, this is excellent one that was delivered to me today

Jan 26, 2023 12:58:26 PM Me

https://insig.ht/EBPGcIYyUwb
Healing From Heartache
By David Gandelman

Jan 26, 2023 12:58:45 PM Me

The main theme is about energy where you’re spending it

Jan 26, 2023 1:08:48 PM Me

The accomplishments of my marriage

Jan 26, 2023 1:18:49 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 27 minutes) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

That is one perspective (not the whole one though)

Jan 26, 2023 1:19:31 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 26 minutes, 18 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Also I understand and believe it’s one of the accomplishments

Jan 26, 2023 2:46:50 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

link to game at 3pm PST:

Jan 26, 2023 2:46:50 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

https://events.locallive.tv/events/101791

Jan 26, 2023 3:11:33 PM Me

About to coach

Jan 26, 2023 3:21:49 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 21 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Goal 🥅 Goal 🥅 Goal 🥅

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Jan 26, 2023 4:08:17 PM Me

Darragh starting striker

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Jan 26, 2023 8:36:04 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

We lost 2-0 to an outstanding team. We had a chance to tie, and the goalie made a lucky reflex save and tipped the ball over the bar.

Jan 26, 2023 8:37:36 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I’m doing a bit of work until 8, then going to chill, watch some videos, and get some sleep. I can still feel my eyes swollen from all the tears coming out.😭

Jan 26, 2023 8:39:56 PM Me

And here is what I’m playing with now. The new AI feature is bonkers. If you can describe what you need in detail and ask it to write the code to make that happen, *poof* there it is! Amazing. He does a test to PokeAPI to get the names and weights of Pokemon

Jan 26, 2023 8:39:58 PM (Read by them after 3 seconds) Me

YouTube
NOTION AI IS HERE – 10 Mind-Blowing Examples!
Notion just released a suite of AI tools that live directly inside the Notion app. Today I'll show you 10 amazing examples of what these artificial intellige...

Jan 27, 2023 9:08:56 AM Me

Yo

Jan 27, 2023 9:10:05 AM Me

I received far more abuse in my marriage than Liz. Mine lasted YEARS because I didn’t have the tools to self advocate and she took advantage of me

Jan 27, 2023 9:11:01 AM Me

If anyone wants to talk about mis treatment in this marriage they have to get in line behind me

Jan 27, 2023 9:11:13 AM Me

She’s not the victim I am

Jan 27, 2023 4:55:30 PM Me

Keep thinking about losing my family and all the memories from the past. Crying like hell right now

Jan 27, 2023 4:57:43 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 20 minutes, 2 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I imagine the feelings are all over the place.

Jan 27, 2023 5:09:51 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 7 minutes, 54 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

No need to fret about a potential future though - shift your focus to what you want

Jan 27, 2023 7:19:10 PM Me

I want to stay married to Liz. I’m willing to work it out but she seems not interested

Jan 27, 2023 7:21:00 PM Me

We’ve both suffered over and from the past the only thing to do is to let go and start over. Dating and rebuilding trust. Her primary contention is one of trust

Jan 27, 2023 7:23:21 PM Me

I’d be willing to separate again for a while then come back and try a restart. I would write to her, etc. so keep communication going. I’m going to ask therapist if she can help the two of us communicate better. Liz tends to button her lip and not say, or share anything only when pressed and it’s typically minimal.

Jan 27, 2023 7:24:37 PM Me

She’s the most walled off from me in person ever. I talk and share basic things but she doesn’t engage at all

Jan 27, 2023 7:24:52 PM Me

Will she ever heal?

Jan 27, 2023 7:25:28 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I believe she will

Jan 27, 2023 7:25:32 PM Me

Just had an image of being on my deathbed asking for her mercy

Jan 27, 2023 7:25:38 PM Me

That was weird

Jan 27, 2023 7:26:21 PM Me

Ok changing where I’m focusing my energy.

Jan 27, 2023 7:26:51 PM Me

It’s a new thing I’m doing to catch myself and change my focus. Especially when I find that I am in a puddle crying

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Jan 27, 2023 7:27:10 PM Me

I have some work to do so I’m gonna get lost in doing some user experience documentation

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Jan 27, 2023 7:28:48 PM Me

The therapist asked me to bring questions for Liz and her for the next session, and I’ve been drafting them. Our next session is next Thursday. Excuse me Wednesday night. I will send you the draft sometime on Sunday to get your feedback.

Jan 27, 2023 7:43:47 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

One question. I’ve not told Sallie that Liz wants to divorce me. Should I bring it up? Or stay away? Same for Sherry, etc. I feel if I start talking with others it will create problems.

Jan 27, 2023 8:15:40 PM (Read by you after 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I would wait to tell anyone. This is between you and Liz.

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Jan 27, 2023 8:44:37 PM Me

I almost brought up that we were going through a tough time right now while taking her to Ventura for an appointment.

Jan 27, 2023 8:45:02 PM Me

Had an interesting thought come to mind.

Jan 27, 2023 8:46:00 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

What is the thought 💭

Jan 27, 2023 8:48:25 PM Me

During the deepest times of my depression I wanted to check out. Ideation was there and honestly it would not have been all that hard to figure out a way to do it and try to leave things neat behind you. But guess what? All my pain was just passed on to my family and kids to carry for the rest of their lives. Same things comes to mind in this situation. I’m willing to go away again for 6 mos after we get through talking and try a reboot. I think we have to do it for our kids and the family as a whole. To want a divorce, when the other does not, and insist upon it to only open a wound inside the family and pass pain onto everyone so you don’t have to carry it any more. A lifetime of change to help fix something that CAN be healed.

Jan 27, 2023 8:52:55 PM (Read by you after 1 second) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Very insightful

Jan 27, 2023 8:58:40 PM ⇲ Me

I think this is worthy of sharing with the therapist. And perhaps in session.

Jan 27, 2023 9:02:34 PM (Read by you after 44 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Share it with the therapist. See what see says

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Jan 27, 2023 8:50:00 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I brought up her experience of going through her parent’s divorce. I said are you willing to put your kids through that? Cold look, no reply.

Jan 27, 2023 8:50:15 PM Me

That was in last session

Jan 27, 2023 8:52:55 PM (Read by you after 1 second) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Very insightful
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 27, 2023 8:53:11 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I’m going to bring up my suicidal edge in the next session. She needs to hear that I’m here today because I chose to bear the pain of my depression and work through it despite what I would have to go through so NOT to pass that on to Liz or my boys. Totally dishonest and dishonorable way to go.

Jan 27, 2023 8:54:32 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

And I’ve faced that TWICE in my time in my relationship. I’m still here. I’ll NEVER go with unmanaged mental healthcare in my life again, too dangerous. No matter how good I feel.

Jan 27, 2023 8:54:55 PM Me

That’s why I stopped before, I felt good. So I don’t need the meds anymore.

Jan 27, 2023 8:55:11 PM Me

Look where that got me. 😢

Jan 27, 2023 8:56:47 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

THIS is why I kept saying in the last session over and over “selfish, selfish, selfish” BUT I did not have this clarity of thought and comparison.

Jan 27, 2023 8:57:04 PM Me

To me this is an equal comparison.

Jan 27, 2023 8:58:40 PM ⇱ Me

I think this is worthy of sharing with the therapist. And perhaps in session.
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 27, 2023 9:00:50 PM Me

I’m tempted to pour what I have written into digital journaling at AI and prompt it with a) provide me a summary of this content, b. give a solution to the problem in this content, c) what are the most salient points in this content.

Jan 27, 2023 9:03:21 PM (Read by you after 1 second) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Could be interesting 🧐

Jan 27, 2023 9:03:32 PM ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Away for a bit

Jan 27, 2023 9:02:34 PM (Read by you after 44 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Share it with the therapist. See what see says

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This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 27, 2023 9:03:21 PM (Read by you after 1 second) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Could be interesting 🧐
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 27, 2023 9:03:32 PM ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Away for a bit
This message responded to an earlier message.

Jan 27, 2023 9:04:04 PM Me

K, no problem. Wrapping up work stuff, then going to play FIFA with the boys online. We play other teams from around the world.

Jan 27, 2023 10:32:47 PM Me

Motivation, vision execution

Jan 28, 2023 10:56:51 AM (Read by them after 5 seconds) Me

12:30pm PST Varsity Soccer Kickoff Away at Cate School. Friendly Non-League game. Schools rivalries go back over 100 years.

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Jan 28, 2023 10:56:52 AM (Read by them after 6 seconds) Me

Cate School
Livestream - Cate School
Commencement Livestream Class of 2021 Thank you for joining us for the Class of 2021’s Commencement Exercises. Below you will find downloadable programs for the Awards, Baccalaureate, and Commencement events. Recordings of the various events will be shared soon. For questions, please email communications@cate.org.[vc_btn title=”Saturday, June 5 – 4:00 p.m. – Awards Ceremony” color=”primary” link=”url:https%3A%2F%2Fdrive.google.com%2Ffile%2Fd%2F1EE9vG4RF3Zwe1tO8lzjvuwE_oivwZNJx%2Fview%3Fusp%3Dsharing|target:_blank”][vc_btn ...

Jan 28, 2023 12:44:26 PM Me

Just arriving

Jan 28, 2023 3:07:50 PM Me

4-1 loss

Jan 28, 2023 4:28:45 PM Me

Depression is here. It’s back, but not severe. Hard to enjoy anything at all. Everything sucks

Jan 28, 2023 6:12:51 PM (Read by you after 5 hours, 36 minutes, 44 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

This could be situational depression. You have had a heavy load this past week. Good thing you have recognition of it and tools to stop it in its tracks

Jan 28, 2023 11:50:02 PM Me

Been doing lots of distraction

Jan 28, 2023 11:55:54 PM Me

Hope your transition back and the kids, and Sarah is going well

Jan 29, 2023 9:13:15 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 32 minutes, 23 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

We are still figuring out what to do. Stay local (not my first choice). Or check out some areas we have as potential places to live or own property

Jan 29, 2023 10:48:50 AM Me

Might be best to stay put, visit each place on your list, develop a set of criteria that are important to all and score each place. Score some based on known factors you can google and others you only get from in person visit. Once you’ve done them all you’ll have good quantitative and qualitative data to compare

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Jan 29, 2023 10:49:36 AM Me

Try to make it more practical than based on whim and emotion

Jan 29, 2023 10:51:48 AM Me

If you’re going to live there long term the whimsy and emotion will fade and practical real life sets in, the day to day grind, you’ll want something that scores well against your criteria

Jan 29, 2023 11:42:24 AM Me

Twitter
Dr. Nicole LePera on Twitter
“Let's talk about disorganized attachment and why you may have chaotic relationships with intense conflict:”

Jan 29, 2023 12:01:03 PM Me

Twitter
Lumpy Louise 🍎🥄🔑 The US are the Baddies on Twitter
“This truly is the sounds of GenX 🤣”

Jan 30, 2023 8:34:53 AM Me

How are you all doing there in CO

Jan 30, 2023 9:07:23 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 37 minutes, 53 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Jan 30, 2023 9:07:27 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 37 minutes, 49 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

-3

Jan 30, 2023 9:07:59 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 37 minutes, 17 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Work day, inside day except for shoveling

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Jan 30, 2023 9:08:32 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 36 minutes, 44 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Listening to a little erasure

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Jan 30, 2023 10:45:50 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Wow, that’s cold. In 40s here, rained last night so more snow coming your way in a day or so

Jan 30, 2023 10:45:57 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Twitter
Clayton Cubitt on Twitter
“Replace Groundhog Day with Capybara Spa Day”

Jan 30, 2023 4:45:09 PM (Read by you after 1 day, 7 hours, 11 minutes, 33 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

When is your next session

Jan 30, 2023 4:46:15 PM (Read by you after 1 day, 7 hours, 10 minutes, 27 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I found it / Wednesday

Jan 30, 2023 4:46:23 PM (Read by you after 1 day, 7 hours, 10 minutes, 19 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

How goes you day?

Feb 01, 2023 9:38:19 AM (Read by you after 12 hours, 42 minutes, 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Are you out there?

Feb 01, 2023 10:32:21 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

‘This is Major Tom to ground control….’ Had two away soccer games in 48 hours. 8 hours of driving and 6 hours of coaching. Win and loss. Finish season 4-2-2, 3rd place, and qualify for CIF playoffs starting sometime next week.

Feb 01, 2023 10:33:16 PM Me

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day; it seems fitting that I’ve been living in between days for almost 2 years. I am now Bill Murray. Days slip by, wondering why I feel punished incredibly hard for an honest and heartbreaking mistake. I know I’ve caused pain and suffering and expressed contrition and regret countless times. I’ve asked for both forgiveness and mercy. I’m a ghost to her. She walks into the room, has a conversation with Darragh about soccer, and then goes off to bed upstairs. Ignored as I’ve been for years, so I’m used to it, but there is a purpose and forcefulness behind it now that wasn’t there before; it used to feel innocent and forgetful. Right now, I’m focusing on work. I had my second big presentation of project work this past Monday, and it was very well received—so that was nice. I like the people and company I work for more daily, so that’s been positive. I am working on projects I enjoy and have been building a new department inside the company. If things keep moving positively, I can make significant contributions this year and help them get their software MUCH better designed and organized. Looking at putting a deposit on a Rivian Electric Pickup truck. Looking at ~90k to buy it. There is a $7500 tax rebate if I buy one.

Feb 01, 2023 10:33:22 PM Me

K, off to bed

Feb 03, 2023 10:40:47 PM Me

Spotify
Xena
Skrillex · Song · 2023

Feb 04, 2023 12:00:39 AM Me

It hurts every day I’m alive and unable to be with her. I’m still deeply in love with her despite everything

Feb 04, 2023 3:36:27 PM Me

had a very good therapy session today. I was solo with the therapist. I think she got me today—understands me better because of my background

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Feb 04, 2023 3:36:59 PM Me

I was able to describe things from my past and she was able to ask ? To better understand

Feb 04, 2023 4:17:26 PM (Read by you after 53 minutes, 8 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Running around a bit today. Willow is surprising friends

Feb 04, 2023 4:18:26 PM (Read by you after 52 minutes, 8 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Glad you had some solo time with counselor. Did you have a group session on Wednesday?

Feb 04, 2023 5:11:18 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇲ Me

No, it was cancelled and rescheduling now

Feb 04, 2023 4:19:20 PM (Read by you after 51 minutes, 14 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Congrats on a good finish at soccer.

Feb 04, 2023 5:11:18 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) ⇱ Me

No, it was cancelled and rescheduling now
This message responded to an earlier message.

Feb 08, 2023 2:46:34 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Our problems are like leaves on a tree. Somehow we are always sweeping them up, rather than working to remove the root of suffering from which they grow.

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Feb 08, 2023 11:00:26 PM (Read by you after 13 hours, 56 minutes, 51 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

You, my friend have been working in the root.

Feb 08, 2023 11:00:42 PM (Read by you after 13 hours, 56 minutes, 35 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

*on the root

Feb 08, 2023 11:00:50 PM (Read by you after 13 hours, 56 minutes, 27 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

How goes everything?

Feb 09, 2023 12:58:20 PM Me

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Pema is one of my favorite teachers

Feb 10, 2023 11:13:31 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Russ turns 48 today 👀

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Feb 10, 2023 11:13:43 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

My “little” brother, hahahaha

Feb 11, 2023 1:08:36 PM Me

https://twitter.com/theholisticpsyc/status/1624483536278552576?s=42&t=_-2-V0P6-emUKdO-czQGcQ

Feb 11, 2023 1:08:55 PM Me

That’s my life and marriage

Feb 12, 2023 9:23:06 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 4 minutes, 33 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

What’s happening in your world?

Feb 12, 2023 9:24:27 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 3 minutes, 12 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

We saw strange lights in the sky tonight

Feb 12, 2023 9:25:33 PM (Read by you after 2 hours, 2 minutes, 6 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Turns out is was starlink satellite cluster

Feb 12, 2023 9:28:28 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 59 minutes, 11 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Feb 12, 2023 9:28:28 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 59 minutes, 11 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Mostly black - but you will see them about 20sec in

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Feb 12, 2023 11:32:06 PM Me

Nothing. A lot of nothing, actually. Feeling flat and sad. I have family around me, but I often feel sad and lonely.

Feb 12, 2023 11:47:08 PM You unsent a message.

Feb 13, 2023 8:43:45 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 34 minutes, 54 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Is counseling still happening?

Feb 13, 2023 10:19:03 AM Me

Yes, but it’s been a few weeks for both of us to be in there. I did solo last week.

Feb 13, 2023 10:19:35 AM Me

I sent another text following the one I sent last night and then hit on send. I don’t know if you got it or not it was a bit long, so let me know if you got it.

Feb 13, 2023 12:02:59 PM (Read by you after 52 minutes, 27 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I did not

Feb 13, 2023 10:21:58 AM Me

For example, Liz just left to go to the ranch this morning. I said to her have a good day at the ranch. Hope it goes well. Then the reply I get from her is a single vowel kind of grunt, like ugh

Feb 13, 2023 10:22:41 AM Me

Sometimes I get that grunting reply, and sometimes I get actual words. I should just ignore it I think. Think my brain is looking for shit to make up for cling onto. I should just ignore it and do my thing.

Feb 13, 2023 10:23:20 AM Me

I’ve been quiet because I’ve been working. They are keeping me very busy which is good. I have lots to do you’re giving me big projects with lots of responsibility so I’m liking it.

Feb 13, 2023 10:24:56 AM Me

Basically, I interact with my two boys, a little bit every day. And then, whatever meetings I have online with my colleagues, I interact with them. And that’s it. I don’t have any friends on campus or friends in town. Everyone is either retired or moved away in the last big school scandal here and yeah that’s it.

Feb 13, 2023 8:59:49 PM (Read by you after 12 hours, 25 minutes, 58 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Is there a local place to shoot 🎯?

Feb 14, 2023 9:26:22 AM ⇲ Me

Have to drive 30mins minimum

Feb 13, 2023 10:26:59 AM Me

Some days I feel nothing most days I am learning how to be happy by myself Every day that goes by, makes me think I am going to live my life alone and die alone

Feb 13, 2023 10:27:21 AM Me

I can only control my attitude and effort I can’t control outcomes

Feb 13, 2023 12:02:59 PM (Read by you after 52 minutes, 27 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I did not
This message responded to an earlier message.

Feb 13, 2023 8:59:49 PM (Read by you after 12 hours, 25 minutes, 58 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Is there a local place to shoot 🎯?
This message responded to an earlier message.

Feb 14, 2023 9:26:22 AM ⇱ Me

Have to drive 30mins minimum
This message responded to an earlier message.

Feb 14, 2023 9:26:38 AM Me

One way

Feb 14, 2023 9:46:39 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Dude. Incredible pain and suffering tonight after our counseling session

Feb 14, 2023 9:47:35 PM Me

Liz is on a one way road to divorce. Mind is made up and I’m gutted by my wife that I still love deeply. I’ve beed crying non-stop for two hours.

Feb 15, 2023 12:12:53 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Very strong feelings. I’ve been lied to by Liz over and over. She’s broken so many promises to me, including honoring her vows. She says she can talk and relate to me after we move on. I told her she was likely to never see or hear from me again. She told me I was trying to manipulate her. I said, no, I’m telling you the truth.

Feb 15, 2023 12:13:35 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Tonight I found out from her, “he started massaging me and I decided NOT TO STOP HIM!!” WTAF??? So I was trapped?

Feb 15, 2023 12:15:15 AM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

I’m just so mad I want to go away and never see her again. She has shown so little care or concern for me for a long time. At this point, I feel like she can fuck off for all I care.

Feb 15, 2023 12:16:35 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

And I’m going to take half her retirement account. Since that’s really the only asset we have between us. I have nothing saved for retirement. I’m fucked. Maybe I should have done the suicide thing — I can’t stop thinking about it.

Feb 15, 2023 12:17:56 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I just don’t have the desire to start my life over in a new place. I don’t have any friends and honestly I don’t want any. Just feeling like shit and sorry for myself. Been going on for almost 2 fucking years.

Feb 15, 2023 12:18:07 AM Me

If you don’t hear from me, you know.

Feb 15, 2023 2:04:38 AM Me

Going to bed. I’m not dead. not yet anyway

Feb 15, 2023 2:17:58 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Its hard to live with a broken heart over a long time

Feb 15, 2023 7:50:21 AM (Read by you after 2 minutes, 30 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Text me when you are awake.

Feb 15, 2023 7:50:57 AM (Read by you after 1 minute, 54 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Let’s talk

Feb 15, 2023 7:52:54 AM Me

Awake

Feb 15, 2023 7:53:03 AM Me

Don’t think I slept

Feb 15, 2023 7:53:25 AM Me

Barely open my eyes they’re swollen

Feb 15, 2023 7:55:16 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I’ll can call you in about 45m

Feb 15, 2023 7:57:54 AM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Take a shower - then put some cold presses on your eyes - listen to your favorite meditation

Feb 15, 2023 10:26:20 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 36 minutes, 37 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Are you available?

Feb 15, 2023 10:26:50 AM (Read by you after 1 hour, 36 minutes, 7 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Text me when you have time

Feb 15, 2023 12:10:07 PM Me

3rd meeting in a row 2+ hours in

Feb 15, 2023 1:49:47 PM Me

Have another meeting in 20mins, from 1-1:30, then last one is from 2-3pm. Then done with meetinga

Feb 15, 2023 2:23:53 PM (Read by you after 37 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Text me when you finish meetings for the day

Feb 15, 2023 2:24:10 PM (Read by you after 20 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Or your work day is over

Feb 15, 2023 2:24:38 PM Me

Ok

Feb 15, 2023 2:25:29 PM Me

feeling numb and incredibly hurt. Never felt like this before. I hate it

Feb 15, 2023 2:29:57 PM Me

Also have thought about how to move forward and honestly I have no desire or interest. I’m fearful I’ll end up in an apartment I sit in alone all day and night and that’s my life. I’ll be alone for the rest of my life — I have zero desire to make new friends or meet people. I don’t have the energy. Feels pointless and a waste of everyones time. Part of my BPD is that I struggle to make and keep friends. If you think about it I honestly have 2 friends—dale and Derick who both live in other states. And I have to leave this campus, my home for the past 20+ years. I sat this morning in lower field looking at the mountains I love and realize this is all going to end.

Feb 15, 2023 2:30:48 PM Me

Everything is coming to an end and I don’t want to be there for it all.

Feb 15, 2023 2:31:44 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Honestly don’t think I’ll be able to be in the same space as Liz after this — to triggering. Don’t know what I’ll do for Darraghs graduation. And now what happens to me coaching soccer next year? Guess that’s gone too.

Feb 15, 2023 2:33:01 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I really want to pay off all my bills and then leave Earth — I’ve had enough of this life and don’t want to live with this pain the rest of my life.

Feb 15, 2023 2:36:20 PM (Read by you after 7 minutes, 54 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

🫂

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Feb 15, 2023 2:44:53 PM (Read by you after 10 minutes, 32 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Sending you a hug

Feb 15, 2023 2:45:35 PM (Read by you after 9 minutes, 50 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Always thought this emoji was a bear 🐻- they have update the graphics

Feb 15, 2023 2:56:37 PM Me

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100. Getting close to solid 180s

Feb 15, 2023 6:18:13 PM Me

Going to walk dog shortly and could talk while I walk.

Feb 15, 2023 6:18:37 PM Me

U free? Realized it’s dinner timeish

Feb 15, 2023 6:18:48 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Dinner time

Feb 15, 2023 6:19:15 PM darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I want to talk before the night is done. I will be up

Feb 15, 2023 6:21:00 PM Me

K

Feb 15, 2023 6:21:05 PM Me

Give me a time

Feb 15, 2023 6:21:22 PM Me

I’ll likely need to go somewhere for privacy

Feb 15, 2023 7:47:57 PM (Read by you after 5 minutes, 26 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

8pm pst

Feb 15, 2023 7:53:33 PM Me

K

Feb 15, 2023 7:53:58 PM Me

Kind of perfect just finishing up work and going to take the dog for a walk maybe shoot darts and then I should be ready to talk

Feb 15, 2023 8:50:25 PM (Read by them after 2 seconds) Me

Can you give me 15 mins more? 8:15 start?

Feb 15, 2023 8:56:58 PM (Read by you after 10 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Yes

Feb 15, 2023 8:57:17 PM Me

🙏

Feb 15, 2023 9:24:06 PM Me

Heyah

Feb 15, 2023 9:24:13 PM Me

Here

Feb 15, 2023 9:24:34 PM Me

I can FaceTime I’m in office

Feb 16, 2023 8:58:18 AM (Read by them after 15 seconds) Me

Hey, woke up this morning, and the fact I learned she made a decision 2 days ago has changed my take on the situation. This was a piece of information that I didn’t know for over 18 months. As I went to sleep, I kept thinking about it, and it’s distilled to this Yoda-esque take when I woke up today. Decide to allow; there is no taking, only giving.

Feb 16, 2023 8:59:18 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I will bring this up to the therapist. I would like to confront Liz with her logic in the next session. She isn’t going to like hearing this, but she’s going to.

Feb 16, 2023 6:25:05 PM (Read by you after 28 minutes, 28 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good thought to bring it up with the therapist

Feb 16, 2023 6:54:56 PM ⇲ Me

Let’s talk tomorrow or Saturday

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Feb 16, 2023 9:00:16 AM Me

When you make a decision and don’t tell the other person what you decided, then blame them after the fact based on a decision you made and didn’t share. I’m guilty? GTFO!

Feb 16, 2023 9:00:58 AM Me

This piece of information has removed guilt and shame from me, not all of it but a significant amount.

Feb 16, 2023 9:22:02 AM (Read by them after 6 seconds) Me

What did I do wrong to deserve a divorce?

Feb 16, 2023 5:52:32 PM Me

So good. Especially at 13mins and 6 mins

Feb 16, 2023 5:52:44 PM Me

https://insig.ht/sIzXn0XKtxb
The Compassionate Line & Our Idea Of Happiness
By Thich Nhat Hanh

Feb 16, 2023 6:20:21 PM Me

On my hike, I was struck by emotion a few times listening to these meditations and talks sanghas, anyway I feel that someone other than me needs to talk with Liz about what we discussed last night. Deciding to allow is to give. You cannot accuse someone of taking when they have no knowledge of your decisions. You are using your power in that moment. Me bringing it up in session is just gonna bring it up. It’s not gonna be advanced at the idea, so I am trying to figure out how I could make that happen.

Feb 18, 2023 2:00:21 PM Me

I have all but a few happening

Feb 18, 2023 2:00:23 PM Me

Twitter
Dr. Nicole LePera on Twitter
“Signs You're Healing:”

Feb 19, 2023 5:33:12 PM Me

I can talk now

Feb 19, 2023 5:33:13 PM Me

Walking dog

Feb 19, 2023 5:33:13 PM Me

It’s the perfect time for me, I’m outside down on the fields away from people

Feb 19, 2023 5:37:25 PM +13038752587

SharePlay Message Ended

Feb 19, 2023 5:39:11 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 9 minutes, 45 seconds) +13038752587

Tried to call just now

Feb 19, 2023 5:39:14 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 9 minutes, 42 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Call me back

Sep 24, 2023 3:04:15 PM Me

Happy Sunday

Sep 24, 2023 8:36:03 PM (Read by you after 4 minutes, 19 seconds) +13038752587

Just got home - hope Your day went well. Totally relate the the images

Sep 24, 2023 8:37:12 PM (Read by you after 3 minutes, 10 seconds) +13038752587

Silence that negative self talk. One from Andy Dooley. “Stop cancel clear Get the fuck out of here” What you say to negative thoughts 💭

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Sep 24, 2023 8:40:18 PM (Read by you after 4 seconds) +13038752587

Gary Vee for today. Seems appropriate… On this Sunday I want you to know .... you're fucking amazing! Remember this when someone tells you otherwise ☀️☀️☀️☀️ also this NY Jets game is gonna kill me :/ 😂

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Loved by Me

Sep 24, 2023 8:41:58 PM Me

Lots of things are happening fast this week. Next week I start moving west

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Sep 24, 2023 8:44:06 PM (Read by you after 8 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

What’s the travel timeline?

Sep 24, 2023 8:46:55 PM Me

Still working on it. Part of the puzzle and moving pieces Losing momentum from being sick from Covid didn’t help me out these past few weeks. By EOD tomorrow I should have entirely mapped it, and perhaps ballpark timelines

Sep 24, 2023 8:47:45 PM Me

I’ll chat 💬 in am with more details.

Sep 24, 2023 8:48:03 PM Me

Any news on work front?

Sep 24, 2023 8:48:18 PM Me

Trees pages are good?

Sep 24, 2023 8:48:31 PM Me

Oh shit except for the seven seas image showing up on mobile did you figure that out?

Sep 24, 2023 9:48:03 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 11 minutes, 17 seconds) ⇲ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I figured it out. 😀

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Sep 24, 2023 9:48:03 PM (Read by you after 1 hour, 11 minutes, 17 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I figured it out. 😀

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This message responded to an earlier message.

Sep 25, 2023 4:04:48 PM Me

What’s going on out there?

Jul 25, 2023 2:49:13 PM (Read by you after 3 hours, 33 minutes, 18 seconds) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

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Liked by +13039561700

Jul 25, 2023 2:53:09 PM (Read by you after 3 hours, 29 minutes, 22 seconds) +13039098921

I like them all, but I like the last one the best because I can see everybody’s faces in the one above Willow has her hands over her mouth

Jul 25, 2023 2:53:38 PM (Read by you after 3 hours, 28 minutes, 53 seconds) +13039098921

The middle one is a funny one

Feb 16, 2023 6:21:54 PM Me

I never should’ve waited this long to do the therapy, but I didn’t have my head in the right place really until after I came back from New York in June, but by then the pressure for Kona in October was on and you know going through therapy like this and trying to get her game face on heading to Hawaii. I don’t know if it would’ve been productive. Anyway, a little reflection and sadness around how things are transpiring in trying to think about this plan I’m going to be developing on Sunday with the therapist. Let me draft with my ideas and then perhaps you and I can go over the plan. OK hope you have a good night I’m gonna go cook dinner play some darts watch some programs. Cheers.

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Feb 16, 2023 6:25:05 PM (Read by you after 28 minutes, 28 seconds) ⇱ darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

Good thought to bring it up with the therapist
This message responded to an earlier message.

Feb 16, 2023 6:54:36 PM Me

Listen to the track above at min 6 left. It’s my situation.

Feb 16, 2023 6:54:56 PM ⇱ Me

Let’s talk tomorrow or Saturday

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Feb 16, 2023 7:36:53 PM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

Please do listen to the talk. Thay is so good

Feb 19, 2023 11:20:56 AM (Read by them after 1 second) Me

I’m around for a bit if you can talk

Feb 19, 2023 12:24:41 PM (Read by you after 55 minutes, 1 second) darrell.ritchie@icloud.com

I can call around 12 your time

Feb 19, 2023 1:23:34 PM Me

Running errands with boys at moment, then helping Sherry with some moving while I have 2 strong manly teenagers with me that love to FLEX. Anyhow, I’ll be back and let you know when that is

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Sep 25, 2023 4:05:26 PM Me

Fyi ill be on the road back sometime next week